Hey Momma,
I wonder what you think of me now.
Am I what you imagined your daughters to turn out like? To turn out to be a woman like you?
I often wonder what you think of me now.
Do you still see me as that four-year-old girl always wrapped up in your arms? Never wanting to let go of that fact that I would soon place flowers on your tombstone every year. Always standing behind you in the store lines to make sure no one touched you. Do you still see me as that eight-year-old? Climbing into your bed after school to eat cereal while I tell you about my day as if you didn't have a day of your own. As if you weren't carrying life in the pit of your stomach. As if you weren't carrying a stone in the left of your breast. Do you still see me as that ten-year-old? Laying next to you every night. Screaming your name when you didn't respond.
I wish you didn't leave.
So you could see me go through school. Get my period. Go through my first heartbreak. Get my awards. Graduate with honors. Head off to college.
I wish you could see me laugh. Cry. Dance. Sing.
So you could teach me how to love. Fully. And freely.
I wish you could rub my stomach when it doesn't feel good. To check my temperature with the back of your hand when I'm sick. To knock me upside the head when I'm wrong.
I often wonder what you think of me now.
Do you see me as that 12-year-old? Bound by insecure and depression. Do you see me as that 14-year-old? Completely broken with a guilty conscious. Do you see me as that 16-year-old? Self-love journeys and spoken word poetry. Do you see me as that 18-year-old? Ready to see what life has in store but want you to be there for every moment.
I hope you saved a seat for me in heaven. I hope you still bake tear like birthday cakes for yourself. I hope you still love me.
I often wonder what you think of me now.
Being birthed from a woman whose touch instilled the spirit of forgiveness unspeakable. Instilled warmth. Instilled a fight to push back walls that are closing in.
Being birthed by you meant that I was destined to become the woman God designed me to be.
I wish you didn't leave.
I still wonder what you think about me.
But I know you're proud.
