The pulse that is trying to escape the sides of my forehead is almost to much to bare. I feel beads of neglect and loneliness slip away from the crease from the heavy bags surrounding my sunken eyes. The worst part is that I can't control my stomach aching from the consecutive days of scarce entities. I don't blame you for the choices you've made, but for the pain I have to live with everyday because of them.
For the longest time, I was depressed because I couldn't control my own life. Every day I had to conform around your needs...your addiction. I felt obligated to cut you some slack because I understand that life can bring out the worst in people. After years of waiting for you to make me a priority, I realized something. You weren't you. You weren't the mother who taught me life's values. You weren't the mother I shared my happiest moments with. It wasn't my mom's voice that expressed love for me. The drugs replaced you.
I disconnect my heart from my mind in attempt to forget the abandonment. My face vacant of emotions and heart clear of the love I once had for you. I forced myself to shut off my emotions because I couldn't bare crying another day. I am exhausted from feeling pain and anger. I just want things to be back to the way they were before you turned into a stranger. For a long time, I had hope, but eventually you proved to me that you would always chose drugs over me.
I fear that I will never trust another human being again. I don't understand how you, one out of the two people in the this world who are suppose to love and care for me unconditionally, could do that to me; If you could let me go, then anyone could. I shut people out now. I don't let anyone get close to knowing the true me because I am scared they will leave, just as you did.
You truly don't know the impact you've made on my life, Mom. Thank you for choosing drugs. Thank you for the nights where I couldn't sleep because you wanted to scream at my step dad. Thank you for letting me believe that all people are allowed to leave at any given point. Thank you for walking out on me when I needed you the most. Thank you for letting your addiction get to the point where I was stripped of my home and forced into foster care. Thank you for making me feel vulnerable and defenseless. Thank you for not being my mom.
I pray that one day you will realize the pain that you've caused. I fear that I may not be able to forgive you. I love you.
