Hi Mom,

You know how much I suck at writing letters, but I’m going to give this a shot.

I miss you so much.

Dad does too. Even if he doesn’t say it all the time, you know how he can be.

We’re doing okay though, so you don’t need to worry about us. We make can get through whatever struggles life throws at us. You know why? Because we lost you. But after a lot of tears and fighting (you know how alike Dad and I are we can’t be in the same house for longer than a week without arguing.) we are okay.

You dying was so hard on all of us.

I just miss you so much. I don’t cry every time I think about you now. I never knew if that was a good thing. I was worried that if I didn’t cry about you that you would think I didn’t miss you or love you as much. But that’s not true. Time is just healing the hole in my heart that you left when you died.

I haven’t thought about your death in a long time. It just makes my heart ache thinking about you dying and then being in a body bag leaving our house. Going to a morgue only to be cut open to figure out how you died. It literally hurts me to think that you went through that Mom.

But then I think, you didn’t.

Your body just did.

Your spirit left your body when you died and went to heaven.

There you sit, with all of our family that has gone before us. Watching the lives of your loved ones.

You may be sitting up in heaven, but I feel you sometimes next to me. When I’m crying, I literally feel your hand on my shoulder. Or when I’m telling a story about you, I can hear your voice inside my head.

Today, I got blessed at church. Well the whole staff did. But while that was happening, I could feel you there. It felt just like when I was being baptized. I could feel your eyes watching me with tears of pride.

When you died, I felt so much pain and sorrow. Everyone always told me “the first year is the hardest.” I just wanted to tell them to shut up. They didn’t know my pain. They didn’t know how I grieved. They had no right telling me that. I know they were just trying to help, but I was in a place that I did not want to be nice.

There is no set time that you get over the death of a loved one, let alone a parent. People telling me that they would be there for me, and talking to me about all this, was not what I wanted. I wanted to lock myself in my room and never leave. But life has a way of creeping up on you. And so does the thought of your dead mom being upset with you for not getting on with your life just because hers has ended.

I am following the path that you, Dad and God were planning for me. It made be taking me a little longer than you all intended, I may have stumbled along the way. But my faith has not shaken. Your hope in me was not for nothing. I will become the woman you intended me to be. I cannot wait for you to see me get there Mama.

Love Always,

Your Baby