Mom-Guilt;The aching feeling that you can't do anything right, nothing that you do is enough, and that you can not give your child(ren) what they deserve.

Before becoming a mom, I was informed of so many things: The sleepless nights, the many milestones, car seat safety, baby CPR, I thought I knew everything that was in store...except for the one nobody ever mentioned: Mom-guilt. I had no idea that this was even a thing. I just figured I would try my best and as long as I felt like I was doing the best that I could, that would be enough. Yeah right. I am sure that mom-guilt stems from post-partum depression/anxiety, but I also think that it is a monster of its own. Even on my best days where everything makes me happy and messes and social situations don't make me sweat, I still feel an aching guilt that I can not shake. I am sure other moms can agree that this feeling is nearly impossible to explain to someone who isn't a mom and telling us,"oh don't think that, you're a great mom!" does not cure it. I definitely appreciate kind words and reassurance, but unfortunately my not-so-kind mind tells me that it is just being said to be nice.When there are mom bullies everywhere, people who think they know what is best for MY child, and judgement coming from all directions, it really sucks when your own mind turns on you.

My Backstory: I truly think that my mom-guilt journey started when I decided to give my baby formula. At 20 years old, I had 0 education on breastfeeding and just thought it happened on its own (LOL). When my son was 3 days old, I had not slept for more than 20 min at a time for 5 days. I was mentally and physically sick and decided to give him a bottle of formula. He was instantly calm for the first time since he had been born. For 2 months, I attempted to get him to latch and pump, but I knew nothing about supply/demand, so it just did not happen for me. Seeing other moms nursing their little ones in public and posting about all of the benefits of breast milk broke my heart. This innocent baby deserved the very best and was not getting it because his mom screwed up. This was the start of the horrible guilt that I have felt daily for approximately 606 days. Luckily, this is one mom-guilt battle I have defeated, as I have accepted that he was formula fed and is happy & healthy. I think there is absolutely nothing wrong with formula feeding, but once again, my not-so-kind mind convinced me I was feeding him poison.

The Guilt of Being a Working Mom: When my son was 3 months old, I returned to school and work. I went from spending 24 hours with him, to a few hours in the evening while he was awake and then dropping him off again the next morning at 8 am. I thought it was best that I stayed in school in order to provide a better life for my son in a few years, but my mind told me that I was a bad mom for having a baby while I was still in school because I can not devote all of my attention to him. There are days where I long to be a stay at home mom just to rid the guilt of not spending every second with him, but I know I would be disappointed to learn that it is not as glamorous and I would find other reasons to feel guilt. My mind tells me that when I get home from work, I should be overjoyed to play with, entertain, and give all of my attention to my son....but that's not always the case. When I get home from a long day at work, all I want to do is curl up on the couch, watch TV, and scroll through Facebook. I don't normally do this because I have other responsibilities, but wanting to do this vs. momming, makes me feel like a shit mom. Yes, I love my son. Yes, I enjoy his happy giggle when we play together. No, I never regret spending time with him, but I still don't always feel like it, which guilts me to the core.

The Guilt in Comparing Myself to Other Moms: I'm a social media junkie (yes, I know this is bad) and see so many blogger/Facebook moms who do crafts, healthy 4 course meals, organized activities, and play-dates. I try to tell myself that hanging every art project that he makes at daycare, the 20 Go-Gurts & 4 green beans he'll eat, and our nightly hide-n-seek is enough, but inside my heart is breaking that I don't have the time to do everything all out for him. I am not naive and know that behind social media, those "perfect" moms probably deal with these inadequate feelings too, but I wish that I was at least able to fake it like them. I love posting pictures of my son, but in the background of pretty much every picture, is a very messy house and in the foreground, a runny nosed, sticky handed, sweet little boy. It's not even the perfect moms I envy, just those who seem to be doing a better job than me. My son doesn't have much of a bedtime routine, let alone a bedtime. He goes to bed between 8:30-10, we read books if he wants to, we watch one of his shows or videos if he wants to, but is that enough? My son doesn't eat 3 full meals a day. His breakfast could include a waffle and eggs or it could be a handful of puffs and some pizza crust that he hid in his room. Dinner is usually us attempting to get him to eat what we're having, but eventually giving in to animal crackers and dinosaur nuggets so at least we know he ate something. My heart tells me at least he is going to bed happy and at least he is filling his tummy, but my mind tells me "look at that mom who has her kids bathed, read to, and tucked in by 7 and are getting a proper nights rest" or "look at that mom whose kids had quinoa, spaghetti squash, and soy milk for dinner." I am constantly pushing myself to be a better mom, but I can't be someone that I am not, and I know trying to be perfect would result in a catastrophic fail, which would bring a dump truck load of you guessed it, guilt.

The Guilt of Doing Things That Don't Involve My Child: The new trend of "self-care" and "self-love" has been very attractive to me, but not without a fun guilty twist. My mind tells me that anything that I do without my child or for myself is selfish. I try telling myself that just because I am a mom, doesn't mean that "mom" is my only identity, but those other identities live in selfish guilt. The thing that gets me is when I am spending time away from my son, whether it be a day out shopping or a weekend getaway with my husband, the guilt doesn't lie in the fact that I miss him, but the fact that I am enjoying myself and am happy that I am getting some alone time. Yes, I look forward to when I get home to see him and there have been times where I wish I would have brought him with, but I guess that isn't enough to soothe my guilty mind. At one week old, my son spent a few hours with my parents while I ran errands.I understand that not everyone has childcare options or they have personal reasons for not wanting that separation from their children, but I see other moms who have never been away from their child for 9 months. I don't see anything wrong with that, but is it bad that I don't feel the constant need to spend every moment with my child? My son absolutely LOVES all of his grandparents and gets very excited to spend time with them. He is very spoiled and gets unending attention from them, which is awesome. He normally gets more excited to see them then he does us and is sad to leave them, which in reality is probably because he doesn't see them every day and it is like a treat for him, but my mind tells me that he would rather be with them constantly instead of me, because I don't always spoil him and give him the endless attention that they do. I then try to reason with myself and say that that's what grandparents are for. It is a constant mind battle and it NEVER ends.

Let's End This On a Positive Note: It's not all bad. I know that I carried on about the negatives of living in mom guilt, but fortunately there are some plus sides. When I finally do something right or I have a really great day as a mom, I go to bed extra grateful and proud of myself. When I step back and look at the big picture and try with all of my effort to think outside of the guilt, I see a happy little boy with first time parents who are really trying to figure out the parenting world and what is best for the person they love most. No, his clothes are not always clean and dirt/yogurt free, but he is having fun and isn't being interrupted to change his clothes (which he hates anyways). No, his house is never spotless and you can often find puffs in the couch cushions, apple sauce crusted to the floor, and milk spilled in my bed, but it's because it's his home where he feels comfortable and safe. If we were constantly cleaning up after him, he would receive ZERO attention. No, we are not together all hours of the day, but he is lucky to have so any people who care about him and is getting the opportunity to socialize and make friends.He is extremely smart, very polite, and SO very loved. As of now, I'm still working on myself and have no cure for the mom guilt which I doubt I will ever find. Motherhood has shown me many lows, but that only makes the highs so much better.