Local Woman Dubbed "Mom Friend" as Friend Group Cannot Fathom Human Decency Unless Their Mom is Doing It

Local Woman Dubbed "Mom Friend" as Friend Group Cannot Fathom Human Decency Unless Their Mom is Doing It


SANTA BARBARA, CALIF. --- The "#squad", as they have dubbed themselves on Instagram, knew that something was up with Anna Ferguson when they inducted her in a few months ago.

"First it was the little things," says Nicole Sanders, 23. "We'd be leaving a party and she'd say to me, 'Text me when you get home safe!' Like, what? Or we'd be out and I'd be like 'Does anyone have gum?' and she'd have it and then just, like, give it to me."

"The breaking point for me was Tiki Night at Shanley's," adds Brittany Thompson, also 23 but quick to point out she's 5 months younger. "I drank enough bright neon alcohol to knock out a prize steer and suddenly I came to and I was barfing in the bathroom. She had rolled up her jacket and put it under my knees and was just sitting with me. On the gross floor. I was like, 'Oh God. Something is up with this weirdo.'"

"That's when it hit me," says Derek Malaphany, 24, texting a "really mature" 17 year old. "I was like, where have I seen this before...oh! [snaps] Mommy!"

#squad member Christian Taylor, 25, wearing a bracelet he believes gives him superhuman balancing powers, was relieved at the clarity this provided him on Ferguson's dateability.

"Women are either boinkos or mommies," he explains. "Either we boinkin', or you make me consider my own responsibility in my humanity. The dream is a girl who's kind of in the middle - boinkable, and only mommy enough to like, do my laundry and call me a Special Boy even when I'm unemployed and posting vape tricks on my Insta story."

[[NOTE: During this exchange, Malaphany nods in agreement while Sanders and Thompson start sitting really weird.]]

Once they dubbed Anna the 'Mom Friend', they took immediate action by ghosting her, not inviting her to things, and ignoring her liking their pictures when they went out.

"It's scary...how lame we almost were. I don't wanna hang out with someone who's like my mom," Sanders says, having posted her mom was "the best woman [she knew]" this past Mother's Day.

"Right? It's like, I don't need to be around some Mommy. Telling me I shouldn't say misogynistic or racist jokes I'm recycling from Family Guy as my own. Like, shut up! Don't make me think about it! It's fine! Just let me say them!" agrees Malaphany, still on his parents' insurance.

Anna Ferguson couldn't be reached for personal comment, because she is too busy being decent and confused.

Popular Right Now

What Movie Musical You Should Watch, According To Your Zodiac Sign

With recent releases such as "The Greatest Showman" and "Mary Poppins Returns," movie musicals seem to be all the rage right now. So, which one should you watch according to your zodiac sign?


Two of my favorite things are movie musicals and astrology. Thus, I decided to use my knowledge and create a list of which musical is best for each zodiac sign.

1. ARIES: "Newsies"


"Newsies" is the perfect movie musical for the outspoken and hardworking Aries. Aries are natural-born leaders who are very insistent on getting their way and are also very faithful to their friends. With such faithful, driven and ambitious characters, as well as the overall theme of learning to not let anything get in the way of your goals, "Newsies" is a great watch for any Aries.

2. TAURUS: "Mamma Mia!"


If you're a Taurus, you're probably very easygoing and love to relax and is there a better way to relax than to be whisked away to Greece while listening to ABBA's greatest hits? A Taurus will love this fun and flirty movie musical, as well as appreciate the independence and confidence of its characters. So to any Taurus, next time you want to relax and indulge, just turn on Netflix and watch "Mamma Mia!"

3. GEMINI: "The Greatest Showman"


Geminis have a constant need for change — they hate dullness, repetition and routine. Also, this sign tends to be superficial and exaggerating, which fits perfectly with the circus aspect of "The Greatest Showman." But Geminis are natural-born entertainers and this high-tempo and lively musical will surely satiate their need for adventure and excitement.

4. CANCER: "Anastasia"


Home and family mean everything to Cancers, so "Anastasia" is a perfect watch for this emotional and compassionate water sign. This movie tells the story of a girl finding her true family and going on a "journey to her past" (*cue song*). With their need to be loved and appreciated, as well as their interest in history, Cancers will enjoy this story about finding where you truly belong.

5. LEO: "Chicago"


Leos are one of the most powerful and determined signs and are very extravagant and charismatic. "Chicago" is about two showgirls that, despite committing murder, find themselves in the spotlight (something that they absolutely love). Similarly, Leos love to be treated like a celebrity and hate being ignored, so "Chicago" makes the perfect watch for the theater-loving Leos.

6. VIRGO: "Beauty and the Beast"


Virgos love to draw in people with their fascinating stories and a major part of "Beauty and the Beast" is the importance of individual life paths. Virgos are intelligent, loyal and passionate like Belle, but can also be dominating and bossy like the Beast. And because of this movie's central theme of self-improvement, it makes a perfect watch for any Virgo.

7. LIBRA: "Hairspray"


The most Libras want out of life is harmony and to see all hate and injustice eliminated. Behind the catchy tunes and colorful '60s atmosphere, "Hairspray" has a more serious tone with the issue of discrimination and racism. In addition to the fight for equality, this movie is perfect for the romantic Libra because of its theme about finding love above all odds.

8. SCORPIO: "Les Misérables"


Scorpios are often misjudged because of their unwavering strong nature when in reality, they have strong and deep emotions. Like the young revolutionists in "Les Misérables," Scorpios face their problems with control, certainty and concentration, but underneath, they are fueled with strong emotion. The driven, passionate, truth-seeking and independent characters of this movie make it a perfect fit for any Scorpio.

9. SAGITTARIUS: "Funny Face"


This movie musical has everything a Sagittarius needs in life: freedom, travel and philosophy. In "Funny Face," Audrey Hepburn portrays a character who goes to France to learn about philosophy while exploring and meeting new people along the way. It's an optimistic and feel-good musical that will surely entertain a Sagittarius.

10. CAPRICORN: "La La Land"


Some of the most ambitious and goal-oriented people are actors, musicians and Capricorns. "La La Land" is the perfect movie for this earth sign because it demonstrates the hardships and discipline it takes to achieve your goals. With characters that are determined and driven for success, this musical will please any Capricorn.

11. AQUARIUS: "Enchanted"


An Aquarius will do anything that they can to help people and are constantly striving to make the world a better place. "Enchanted" is about an animated princess who finds herself in the real world, where she does as much as she can to help the people around her. With fairytale-like characters that are loyal, charming and friendly, this movie matches perfectly with the characteristics of an Aquarius.

12. PISCES: "Moulin Rouge!"


If "Pisces" was a movie, it would be "Moulin Rouge!" With its combined elements of music, romance, creativity and of course, a bohemian revolution, this film provides a perfect escape for this water sign. The emotional, delicate and naïve Pisces will love every aspect of this romantic tragedy and will without a doubt be crying by the end.

Related Content

Connect with a generation
of new voices.

We are students, thinkers, influencers, and communities sharing our ideas with the world. Join our platform to create and discover content that actually matters to you.

Learn more Start Creating
Facebook Comments