Local Woman Dubbed "Mom Friend" as Friend Group Cannot Fathom Human Decency Unless Their Mom is Doing It

Local Woman Dubbed "Mom Friend" as Friend Group Cannot Fathom Human Decency Unless Their Mom is Doing It


SANTA BARBARA, CALIF. --- The "#squad", as they have dubbed themselves on Instagram, knew that something was up with Anna Ferguson when they inducted her in a few months ago.

"First it was the little things," says Nicole Sanders, 23. "We'd be leaving a party and she'd say to me, 'Text me when you get home safe!' Like, what? Or we'd be out and I'd be like 'Does anyone have gum?' and she'd have it and then just, like, give it to me."

"The breaking point for me was Tiki Night at Shanley's," adds Brittany Thompson, also 23 but quick to point out she's 5 months younger. "I drank enough bright neon alcohol to knock out a prize steer and suddenly I came to and I was barfing in the bathroom. She had rolled up her jacket and put it under my knees and was just sitting with me. On the gross floor. I was like, 'Oh God. Something is up with this weirdo.'"

"That's when it hit me," says Derek Malaphany, 24, texting a "really mature" 17 year old. "I was like, where have I seen this before...oh! [snaps] Mommy!"

#squad member Christian Taylor, 25, wearing a bracelet he believes gives him superhuman balancing powers, was relieved at the clarity this provided him on Ferguson's dateability.

"Women are either boinkos or mommies," he explains. "Either we boinkin', or you make me consider my own responsibility in my humanity. The dream is a girl who's kind of in the middle - boinkable, and only mommy enough to like, do my laundry and call me a Special Boy even when I'm unemployed and posting vape tricks on my Insta story."

[[NOTE: During this exchange, Malaphany nods in agreement while Sanders and Thompson start sitting really weird.]]

Once they dubbed Anna the 'Mom Friend', they took immediate action by ghosting her, not inviting her to things, and ignoring her liking their pictures when they went out.

"It's scary...how lame we almost were. I don't wanna hang out with someone who's like my mom," Sanders says, having posted her mom was "the best woman [she knew]" this past Mother's Day.

"Right? It's like, I don't need to be around some Mommy. Telling me I shouldn't say misogynistic or racist jokes I'm recycling from Family Guy as my own. Like, shut up! Don't make me think about it! It's fine! Just let me say them!" agrees Malaphany, still on his parents' insurance.

Anna Ferguson couldn't be reached for personal comment, because she is too busy being decent and confused.

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Mourning The Loss

She had no direction and already felt like she had lost herself, anyway.


She wore her heart on her sleeve but covered her innermost feeling with laughs, smiles, and awkward jokes that only some thought were funny at all. She was happy on the outside and this got her to the place where she is now. Faking it till she made it made sense until she realized she didn't know what she was making it to.

Regardless, she was a bright light in the hallways of her grade school filled with small plastic chairs and brown square desks. She acted most days as a clown in the classroom in order for her to get some kind of attention. She worked on Accelerated Math and reading books extensively, and in her free time her studying habits were almost obsessive.

Brianna Gavin

When asked to do anything for anyone, she dropped all of what she was doing to help.

High school came around and after being separated from her best friend going to a different school, she knew this time she really had to reinvent herself. At first, she stayed in the bubble of grade school friends and found it hard to ever speak up about anything.

Brianna Gavin

She kept her mouth shut for the first year of high school and lived in the shadows of her siblings' bad decisions. That first year, teachers even called her "little Gavin".

As sophomore year of high school came around, she met a teacher that would forever change her life and brought her out of the shadow of her siblings past. She was the first teacher in that high school to see her as her own person, different from her family.

After meeting this teacher, she stepped into the role of being a leader. She went to summer leadership camps and became actively involved in the Social Committee of Student Council. She created a service club and became the president. She got over 100 hours of service done each year, went on mission trips, led and spoke her story at retreats, went to every football game dressed UP in the theme, and still had time to get a high GPA.

Brianna Gavin

She was KILLING it.

In the mornings before school started, she sat in her car for five minutes by herself to separate her home life from her school life. She listened to "One Man Can Change The World" by Big Sean and sang the words to herself as she began to put on a mask for the day.

Brianna Gavin

She was sometimes a clown. She'd walk around the hallways and go to class while eating boxes of cereal and constantly made jokes about ANYTHING going on. One thing you could always count on her for was authenticity and hope.

Brianna Gavin

Even at her job teaching kids how to swim, the second she came out in her brightly colored swimsuit, her kids were already there and ready to say hi to her. Kids would make her cards and families constantly asked her to babysit and told her stories of how much their kids loved her.

One day during school, she was awarded with a scholarship called "You Can Count On Me", given to her because of how reliable, dependable, and important she was to all those around her. She remembered the words that were said about her when she received the scholarship and those were the driving force for her to continue helping others and being there for herself.

But then came college. And with the goodbye to all of her friends, family, and popular school life also came the goodbye to herself.

Brianna Gavin

She now became something she didn't want to be anymore. She stayed in her room, struggled extensively with mental illness, and looked in the mirror without knowing what she was looking at. She didn't have many friends and she felt alone most of the time.

With change and loss, she lost herself. She, in a sense, died as soon as her relationships with those close friends and family died. And no matter how hard she tries, she will never be the happy, energetic, inspiring, motivational, giving, faithful, loving person she once was.

The truth she has to share...she is gone.

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