Local Woman Dubbed "Mom Friend" as Friend Group Cannot Fathom Human Decency Unless Their Mom is Doing It

Local Woman Dubbed "Mom Friend" as Friend Group Cannot Fathom Human Decency Unless Their Mom is Doing It

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SANTA BARBARA, CALIF. --- The "#squad", as they have dubbed themselves on Instagram, knew that something was up with Anna Ferguson when they inducted her in a few months ago.

"First it was the little things," says Nicole Sanders, 23. "We'd be leaving a party and she'd say to me, 'Text me when you get home safe!' Like, what? Or we'd be out and I'd be like 'Does anyone have gum?' and she'd have it and then just, like, give it to me."

"The breaking point for me was Tiki Night at Shanley's," adds Brittany Thompson, also 23 but quick to point out she's 5 months younger. "I drank enough bright neon alcohol to knock out a prize steer and suddenly I came to and I was barfing in the bathroom. She had rolled up her jacket and put it under my knees and was just sitting with me. On the gross floor. I was like, 'Oh God. Something is up with this weirdo.'"

"That's when it hit me," says Derek Malaphany, 24, texting a "really mature" 17 year old. "I was like, where have I seen this before...oh! [snaps] Mommy!"

#squad member Christian Taylor, 25, wearing a bracelet he believes gives him superhuman balancing powers, was relieved at the clarity this provided him on Ferguson's dateability.

"Women are either boinkos or mommies," he explains. "Either we boinkin', or you make me consider my own responsibility in my humanity. The dream is a girl who's kind of in the middle - boinkable, and only mommy enough to like, do my laundry and call me a Special Boy even when I'm unemployed and posting vape tricks on my Insta story."

[[NOTE: During this exchange, Malaphany nods in agreement while Sanders and Thompson start sitting really weird.]]

Once they dubbed Anna the 'Mom Friend', they took immediate action by ghosting her, not inviting her to things, and ignoring her liking their pictures when they went out.

"It's scary...how lame we almost were. I don't wanna hang out with someone who's like my mom," Sanders says, having posted her mom was "the best woman [she knew]" this past Mother's Day.

"Right? It's like, I don't need to be around some Mommy. Telling me I shouldn't say misogynistic or racist jokes I'm recycling from Family Guy as my own. Like, shut up! Don't make me think about it! It's fine! Just let me say them!" agrees Malaphany, still on his parents' insurance.

Anna Ferguson couldn't be reached for personal comment, because she is too busy being decent and confused.

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8 Ways To Celebrate #GeminiSzn

Where my Gemini babies at?

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It's the end of spring in the Northern Hemisphere and the end of Autumn in the Southern Hemisphere, the time of twins and adaptability. That's right, it's Gemini season. Bring your lower and higher selves together and check out these ways to celebrate the Sun being in its Gemini transit.

1. Get in touch with your inner astrologer

Whether you're new to astrology or have been tracking your chart for years, it never hurts to brush up on how the universe is working with (or against) you. Download the Co-Star app for iOS or the Horos app for Android to get your chart and some helpful insights as to how the universe affects you.

2. Embrace your natural duality

While sometimes overwhelming, it really is a blessing that we can code-switch so quickly. It makes us easily adaptable to whatever life throws our way. With our ruling planet, Mercury, being in our favor this month it should be all the more fulfilling to be able to put yourself into various roles this month. Just remember to take time to decompress and fulfill your inner needs!

3. Treat yo self!

It's your birthday month! Take time to do what really brings you joy - whether it's something material like those jeans you've been eyeing or something more spiritual like taking time to meditate each day. This is your prime time, so celebrate every moment!

Take the time to reconnect

With yourself or with others, take time this month to get back in tune with your loved ones. Life can get overwhelming when our ruling planets and stars aren't in our court, so use this time of renewal to grab a cup of coffee with an old friend, have a date night with your significant other, or rest and relax with yourself.

Find a new way to stretch your outgoing personality

Geminis are notoriously outgoing, so use that to your advantage! Sign up for a class, head to a local festival, or find another way to get out there and make new connections!

Get your gang together

Geminis sometimes get a bad reputation for being flaky, but sometimes life just gets in the way! Make some time this season to get your friends together to reconnect and have some fun together!

5. Use your horoscopes to your advantage

With apps like Co-Star and Horos, it's easy to see your daily horoscopes and find great detail on them. Some quick google searches will also give you a lot of insight into what to expect today, this week, this month, and even over the next year.

Embrace everything about your sign - the good, the bad, and the ugly!

Geminis get weird reputations. We get labeled as two-faced because of our ease in code-switching, we get called emotional and childish, and we don't mesh well with a lot of other signs. Keep in mind that not only is astrology not an exact science but that each one of us is beautiful and unique. So this month, embrace your inner Gemini and be proud to celebrate #GeminiSzn!!

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