SANTA BARBARA, CALIF. --- The "#squad", as they have dubbed themselves on Instagram, knew that something was up with Anna Ferguson when they inducted her in a few months ago.
"First it was the little things," says Nicole Sanders, 23. "We'd be leaving a party and she'd say to me, 'Text me when you get home safe!' Like, what? Or we'd be out and I'd be like 'Does anyone have gum?' and she'd have it and then just, like, give it to me."
"The breaking point for me was Tiki Night at Shanley's," adds Brittany Thompson, also 23 but quick to point out she's 5 months younger. "I drank enough bright neon alcohol to knock out a prize steer and suddenly I came to and I was barfing in the bathroom. She had rolled up her jacket and put it under my knees and was just sitting with me. On the gross floor. I was like, 'Oh God. Something is up with this weirdo.'"
"That's when it hit me," says Derek Malaphany, 24, texting a "really mature" 17 year old. "I was like, where have I seen this before...oh! [snaps] Mommy!"
#squad member Christian Taylor, 25, wearing a bracelet he believes gives him superhuman balancing powers, was relieved at the clarity this provided him on Ferguson's dateability.
"Women are either boinkos or mommies," he explains. "Either we boinkin', or you make me consider my own responsibility in my humanity. The dream is a girl who's kind of in the middle - boinkable, and only mommy enough to like, do my laundry and call me a Special Boy even when I'm unemployed and posting vape tricks on my Insta story."
[[NOTE: During this exchange, Malaphany nods in agreement while Sanders and Thompson start sitting really weird.]]
Once they dubbed Anna the 'Mom Friend', they took immediate action by ghosting her, not inviting her to things, and ignoring her liking their pictures when they went out.
"It's scary...how lame we almost were. I don't wanna hang out with someone who's like my mom," Sanders says, having posted her mom was "the best woman [she knew]" this past Mother's Day.
"Right? It's like, I don't need to be around some Mommy. Telling me I shouldn't say misogynistic or racist jokes I'm recycling from Family Guy as my own. Like, shut up! Don't make me think about it! It's fine! Just let me say them!" agrees Malaphany, still on his parents' insurance.
Anna Ferguson couldn't be reached for personal comment, because she is too busy being decent and confused.
