Let’s be real for a second; many people, myself included, do not believe in Santa Claus anymore. It may be because we are simply “too old” to believe in Santa, or that we have never believed in Santa to begin with. If you’re like me, and too smart for your own good, you might have figured out that Santa was not real when you were very small, but kept up the charade of believing because it made your parents happy. I’m not exactly sure why it makes my mom happy to ask me for my list for Santa each year— perhaps so she doesn’t have to ask me outright what I want for Christmas. After all, it’s always easier communicating through a medium or middleman, right?

For my mom, I believe asking me for my list for Santa is her way of keeping me close each year. It is, essentially, her way of telling me that I am still her little girl, her baby, despite being 21 years old. Whenever I tell my friends about my mom’s “list for Santa,” they often find it endearing and rather cute that she does it. Truthfully, I love it too. I never wanted to be too old to believe in Santa, though most people would not classify six years old as being “too old to believe” in the first place. I love magic and mystery and all of those wonderful fairy tales about the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny, but at some point, something happened, and I suddenly knew that none of those things were, in fact, real. I cannot tell you why this change occurred, only that it did occur, and I can’t reverse it, no matter how much I may want to. I think if my mom had known that at the time, she might have been devastated because her little girl was no longer a little girl, but I think she may have continued this tradition all the same.

I’m sure even now my mom knows that I don’t believe in Santa anymore, but she still asks me what I want from Santa for Christmas. While it’s very obvious that when she says “Santa” she really means my dad, I know she likes to pretend that I am still as small and adorable as I was when I was younger (see below). But I don’t think she does it solely because she wants me to be small again. I think she does it to make up for all of the Christmases we didn’t get to spend together when I was little. For all of the birthdays she didn’t get to be there for because she worked very hard for very long. I think she does the “list for Santa” every year to give me back some of the whimsical nature that I missed during my childhood years. If that is what she’s doing, I wish I could thank her, because for me, that’s really the best Christmas present of all.