Does your mental health handicap you from behaving regularly in an able-bodied world? Do people not believe that your body is held back by the chemicals in your brain that control your mind? If so, you should deeply consider the shooting yourself in the leg. You’re probably staying in bed anyway, dreaming of slipping into a coma to ignore your existence, so why not shoot yourself and let the blood loss slip you into something more comfortable, like hypovolemic shock?

The pain will make your depression seem minuscule, that is, until you realize that your depression is simply being embodied in the form of a gunshot wound. You will finally have something as an excuse when neglecting obligations, and said obligations can’t possibly be angry when your femur is visible through the deep and dark red blood!

Before, you couldn’t use the one handicap accessible ramp on your “progressive” college campus without feeling like an able-bodied ass hole, but, with this new wound, you can use the ramp without the guilt! Take mental debilitation to the next level- instead of having to keep sunglasses or a frown on to keep people from questioning your behavior, let the wound seep through your jeans and onto the floor, trailing you like the ghosts of your troubled past. Yeah, the ghosts will still be there, but this time, they’ll have to compete with puddles of blood for attention.

Attention- yes. This new and improved concept of coping with depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, and the like, will ensure your skipping-of-the-long-line in the nurses office or emergency rooms one with such debilitations might frequent. And, of course, with this will come the critics saying things like, “oh, you’re just whining for attention”, and, “just smile, tomorrow will be a better day”. To retort to those who say such things, I suggest putting your fingers into the depths of your wound and pulling the wound apart. Once the hole is considerably gaping, take your whole fist and shove it in the open wound, which at this point should be bleeding profusely. Search around your wound, take your time, but make sure the attention of your critic is on your arm. Pull a piece of the bone surrounding your femoral artery out and hold your bloody fist up high, using the bone to prop the middle finger in a “fuck you” position. One done, ask if they still think you’re just doing it for attention. If they say yes, take their face and shove it into your open wound, or, if you still have the gun on you, shoot that person in the leg. Follow them to the hospital and repeat that they are “just doing it for attention” every time they cry out in pain.

All in all, shooting yourself in the leg will simply make your inner-demons be shown in an outward way, enabling yourself to have access to all the helpful benefits of the visibly disabled. Perhaps with more and more people being shown as visibly disabled, accessibility will be more of a necessity across the globe. With gun-shot wounds common, more people would have to be trained in first aid, creating more jobs for the general public. This will also ensure safety on the battlefields, in terrorist situations, and with the pain-threshold of the mentally ill exponentially growing, technology will advance to either a) helping relieve the wound more quickly or b) alleviating the problem of mental illnesses and the stigma that comes along with it. Because if you’re not willing to shoot yourself in the leg, are you really even depressed?