I wonder if Maulana Akonjee and Al-Furqan Jame Masjid leader, Thara Uddin, would still have been shot if they hadn’t been wearing traditional garb. Who was ranked second on the hierarchy of the murder list? The elderly woman also leaving the masjid (mosque) wrapped in chador? From the footage that has been revealed, it seems very seamless, well planned out, as though the perpetrator only looked at how the victims looked.

Dear Islamophobes,

You’re going about it totally wrong. If you’re attacking people on the basis of their looks, you run the risk of committing hate crime, when we all know you’re just getting rid of all the ‘Mozlems’ and making America great again. I am here to help you think through some of the ways that you can go about really identifying ‘Mozlems,’ so please, follow along.

First, approach the suspected soon-to-be victim. Ask yourself, is the person wearing anything you wouldn’t otherwise? Note, this includes holding umbrellas on a hot, sweltering day. There’s no such thing as parasols and therefore, no good reason to be holding such items. But here, the problem is that a brown woman wearing a headscarf might not necessarily be 'Mozlem.' See, the news about the Olympics is literally dominating all news outlets, and so many people are inspired by the different athletes that are so successful, especially those who are first-ing. This includes Ibtihaj Muhammad, the hijab-clad fencer. There may be regular, non-Mozlem, brown people who may want to dress like her. You don’t want to go attacking such people, even if they fall for such fashion faux pas.

Next, smile. Say "Asalamualikum." Wait for them to say "walaikumasalaam," back. Good. Now you know that they are ‘Mozlems.’ But just to be sure, you’re not attacking people of brown color and risking the label of a race crime on top of the hate crime that you will already be accused of, you should ask the soon-to-be-victim how many gods there are. Many people live within the vicinity of ‘Mozlems’ (I mean, come on, 1.6 billion, they’re everywhere) and so, they do understand the exchange of salaams. Many non-‘Mozlem’ majority countries also allow ‘Mozlems’ to live within their borders, like India, Nigeria, China. They are accustomed to having ‘Mozlem’ neighbors in their homeland. Actually, even Americans are hospitable to these barbarians. Many say they find the meaning of asalamualikum (peace be unto you) to be very peaceful. I know, how distasteful! It’s most likely a code for some other barbaric term. So just to be sure you’re not attacking your friendly neighborhood rishta aunty (looking at you, unmarried attackers), Sikhs (who also wear traditional clothing) and other brown people, in general, make sure to ask this very important question.

Following along? Another caveat. Just think: you run into a woman who wears a headscarf, who knows the exchange of salaam, who also believes in one God. It just might be a Jewish or a Christian woman. This one is tricky and race won’t necessarily do because most of these Middle Eastern ‘Mozlems’ can appear white. Newt Gingrich had a nice suggestion that we should test people of Muslim background to see if they believe in the Sharia. Except, Mr. Gingrich overlooks the fact that people will lie if their safety is jeopardized So your asking that question might also not lead anywhere.

Unless...

Here’s a modest proposal. Tag every single Mozlem across the globe with one of those electronic tags that scientists use to monitor animals’ migration patterns. And then, we take augmented reality games like Pokemon Go to the next level – modify such games to scan for ‘Mozlems’ all around us. We can customize it according to which tools we want to use against them: curved swords for beheadings, forced removals of hijabs, you name it.

‘Server issues’ messages got you slowed down on your spree?

Build a wall around yourself so that you don’t get overwhelmed and only see one ‘Mozlem’ at a time. 1.6 billion people is huuuuuge. And ‘server’s down’ is no excuse.