Recently, I came across a piece from former Mizzou Odyssey writer Cam Patton, titled, “If Mizzou Bars Were Mizzou Boys.” I thought the article was hilarious and alarmingly accurate, especially the one about Trops.

Unfortunately though, times have changed in CoMo as of late, with both Bengals and Quinton’s being laid to rest earlier this year.

Since the Odyssey writing community is so pre-dominantly female, I figured it would be interesting to do a bit of role reversal, while simultaneously providing an update on the state of the Columbia bar scene. So sit back, relax, and enjoy a series of hot takes from a strapping, young gentleman like myself. *props feet on desk while smugly placing hands behind head*

Harpo's

The freshman girl who just got initiated into a sorority and is taking on college by storm. Most nights, she gets belligerent on a budget by hitting up frat parties and getting all the free booze she can drink, and almost always ends up drunk texting (or even worse, drunk dialing) her high school ex. Nevertheless, her fake ID straight out of China just came in, and is ready to be put to use. Her favorite Snapchat filters are the dog filter and flower girl filter which brightens up your eyes and applies virtual blush, the latter filter of which is a favorite among the Tinder catfish community. She’s a great girl to have on your arm for a Wine Wednesday at your fraternity, especially since she’s not against helping you slap the Franzia bag when you’re running low on Pinot Grigio.

In her Netflix queue: Friends, How I Met Your Mother, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia

FieldHouse

The type of girl who’s living up her underclassman years to the max, but is torn between two different personas a la Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. One side of her is partial to just chilling and casually sharing a pitcher of beer with her friends while they all discuss their current trials and tribulations. Her sober side of her is pretty vanilla, but her alter-ego makes an appearance on some weekends after a few drinks, where she hits the dance floor and has no problem yelling out “NO WE AIN’T EVER GETTING OLDER” when Closer comes on. She also holds no shame in having a sweaty bar make-out with someone she met 5-10 minutes prior.

In her Netflix queue: Parks and Recreation, Grey’s Anatomy, The Office

Eastside

The hipster girl whose wardrobe is composed exclusively of Urban Outfitters clothes and accessories. She thinks having an awkward sense of humor is a lost art, with Zooey Deschanel being her role model. She frequently talks about how vinyl is making a comeback, claiming her copy of Led Zeppelin II (a brand new, remastered copy she also bought at Urban Outfitters) sounds better than anything on the radio today. Her circle of friends consist of people she met at a slam poetry night, and she’s really into Wes Anderson flicks, although nothing after Moonrise Kingdom, as she views it as his artistic peak. Most likely has a septum piercing and 1-3 tattoos, one of which is astronomy-related, and synonymous to us living in our own universes as individual human beings.

In her Netflix queue: Portlandia, New Girl, Skins (UK)

My House

The girl who believes she has a really ironic sense of humor, but is not nearly as funny as she thinks she is (yes, owner(s) of MyHouse, that’s a sneak diss. It's getting old to keep clarifying to my friends that I’m not going to my house for the night, but in fact, going to MyHouse, the bar. Would it have killed you to be a little more creative in naming your business?). However, she’s new in town and has a mysterious allure going for her, so everybody wants to meet her and say what’s up. Once you get to know her, you find out she most definitely knows how to party, and isn’t as big of a try-hard as you previously thought she was. To everyone’s surprise, she can hit a pretty hard nae-nae, and knows the Cupid Shuffle like the back of her hand. She has more to her than meets the eye, and always put in an effort when you two text with her witty replies and subtle sarcasm, which matters in a world full of boring replies with the likes of ‘lol’ and ‘lmao yeah true.’

In her Netflix queue: Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, 30 Rock, Arrested Development

The Penguin Piano Bar

She’s the girl you meet when you’re way too young and stupid. When she goes out, she always wears a femme fatale combo of a black dress and black stilettos. She has her life together with a full-time job in upper-level management at a hedge fund firm with 401k, health care, you know, the works. Her sophisticated tastes include a diverse knowledge of wines, Frank Sinatra’s discography, and classic films, with her favorite movie being Breakfast at Tiffany’s. You know she’s wife material, but there’s just way too many distractions for you to settle down yet.

In her Netflix queue: Mad Men, Sherlock, House of Cards (US)

Roxy's

The girl who’s incredible at dancing, almost too good. She’s made a handful of twerking videos on Vine which have a little over 10,000 loops apiece. Mixtapes upon mixtapes are downloaded onto her iPhone, with highlights including The Weeknd’s Trilogy and Acid Rap by Chance the Rapper. She’s more partial to Timberland’s than Ugg boots, and owns a number of Supreme branded hoodies and beanies. Hoop earrings are always in her ears, whether if she’s dancing all night in the club or struggling to stay awake during an 8 AM class. You never see her around campus, but you sure as hell see her every Thursday on bottomless cup night.

In her Netflix queue: Sons of Anarchy, Narcos, Law & Order: SVU

Room 38

The girl who’s an upperclassman and been in a sorority for a couple years. She’s slowly growing out of her go-out-and-get-blacked-out days, and is transitioning by slow-sipping vodka cranberry cocktails and cosmopolitan martinis with her fellow sorority sisters during happy hour. She sees herself as Blair Waldorf,even though that’s merely a pipe dream produced by her persistent binge-watching of Gossip Girl. She’s cool to hang out with, and you get along with her really well, but when it comes to connecting on a truly personal level, you two don’t really have that much in common.

In her Netflix queue: One Tree Hill, Pretty Little Liars, The Vampire Diaries

10 Below

The girl you don’t tell your guy friends about. She’s not afraid to take the initiative and send “U Up?’ texts rather than waiting for the guy to do so. You’re guilty of a few late night rendezvouses with her which instantly fill you with regret the morning after. You try to avoid her every time you go out, but she always seems to magically show up wherever you are, as if she’s stalking you. When you see her at a club (never a bar), she’s always sweating because she’s been dancing for hours. Literally, hours. After she guilt trips you into dancing with her, her parting gift is a clammy kiss with too much tongue and a sweat stain on the front of your Ralph Lauren polo. The debauchery between the two of you ends when one person finds someone else, or you finally muzzle your nice guy conscience and start giving the cold shoulder to her texts and Snapchats.

In her Netflix queue: Scandal, That 70’s Show, How to Get Away with Murder

Big 12 (Campus Bar & Grill)

The girl who never turns down having a beer with the boys on a Saturday. She’s a total bro, and is one of the few girls who actually knows the rules of football and basketball. She comes in clutch with phenomenal Tinder pick-up lines; you can give her credit for multiple times you’ve gotten numbers from matches on the app. She can throw a football with a spiral, a skill she shows off while playing catch with you or your other fraternity brothers on the front lawn of the house while other dudes pass by, leaving them utterly slack jawed by how chill she is. Above all, she’s hilarious, and gives you genuine, sometimes brutally honest advice about girls in your life or how your life might be going in general. She’s a chiller, a true friend, and knows how to have a good time. A rare trifecta which never goes under appreciated.

In her Netflix queue: Blue Mountain State, Breaking Bad, Shameless