The grieving that carries on with you daily.
“It will all get better in time” We have all heard that once in our lives before. The pain overwhelms your whole body when you realize you will never see that person again. No more hugs, talks, and the fact of just knowing they will be there for you. The stages of losing someone close to you come in waves and all at once. You think about how you wish you could stop them from leaving you indefinitely.
My nana was a special woman to everyone in our family. I come from a big family. My grandparents had six children and thirteen grandchildren. She was fun, intelligent, a beautiful writer, and the best listener. We cherished her being there for every one of us.
Denial. I spent countless hours in the hospital with my nana praying and hoping for a miracle to happen. I was confident that I would have more time with her and that those days with her laughing and joking would carry on to doing that in her living room. I could sit there and talk with her for hours on end and she had the best advice and stories. She was the type of woman who would give you everything off her back to help you. I hope to be half the woman she was. She taught me to remain humble and gave me the heart I have today. I will always try to help someone if they need an extra hand.
One Monday after class I met my dad at the hospital. My whole family was there but not with good news, I will never forget the look on my dad’s face. We did not have much time left. I still wanted to believe she would come home. I still kept my faith and denied that I would lose this wonderful role model in my life.
Anger. First person I wanted to be mad at was the doctor, why couldn’t he save her life? Then I knew what I was upset with, cancer. The ugly disease that takes millions of people away from their loved ones. Lung cancer took over her whole body and her organs began to fail. I was angry with myself as well; thinking that I could have spent more time with her. Time is a funny thing, it can sneak up on you and pass by without you even realizing it. When you want more of it.
Acceptance. Some days are better than others. I still want to walk through her door and tell her about my day. She would make me laugh and feel better more than anyone could. She made everything so simple.
I sit at her grave and update her on what is going on in my life. I know that she is listening and looking after me. Have you ever heard of pennies from heaven? Well I find them all the time and they give me strength and hope to move on and continue to make her proud of me. She loved to have fun and go to the casino and play the penny machines. Every time I need extra faith and hope to keep going I find a penny. It is her way of watching over me and keeping me safe.
If you have people in your life that you would never dream of losing; tell them. Life is short and the people you love today could be gone tomorrow. Never take people for granted that mean the world to you. I know I cherish my family, friends, coworkers and anyone significant in my life. Spend time with them and the memories will carry on with you.
