I knew when you left that the holiday season would be hard. I knew that while it would be a time filled with family and happiness, there would also be the underlying heartache that we all felt. I say that I knew but I didn’t. I was aware but I didn’t know exactly how much it would affect me. There are so many things I didn’t know…
I didn’t know that I would choke up when I couldn’t buy the “Best Grandpa Award” mug that no grandparent ever secretly wants but you always acted like it was the best gift in the world. I didn’t know that walking into your house on Christmas Eve would feel eerily cold because your overpowering love wasn’t there to fill it. I didn’t know how much I would miss the smell of you, until it washed over me while sitting in your living room. I knew that there would be emptiness but I didn’t know that while I assumed everyone felt it, I was feeling alone. I didn’t know that it would hurt the same as it did the day you went away because Christmas with you was my favorite time. I didn’t know that last Christmas I should have gifted you the entire world because you never failed to give me less. I didn’t know that while these were reasons my heart was hurting, it would expand into places I didn’t think could be tarnished by the heartache.
The intangible empty seat that sat at the end of the table as we all said grace and recited the words to Hail Mary. “Hail Mary, full of grace. The Lord is with thee.” As we are silently asking the Lord to please be with us, to heal our heartache, to send us a saving grace. I never knew how many intangibles the “after” would hold. The intangible heartache that we all feel inside but none of us can explain. The intangible feeling that while our family is all together we still don’t feel whole, because there are those that aren’t there with us. The intangible heartache that maybe changed us all a little bit more than what we thought it did. But while these intangibles silently break your heart, they also teach you the best lessons that you’ll learn.
The biggest lesson I learned from losing you is to cherish those that I haven’t yet. Those that are there together, pushing through the heartache and loving one another. It’s okay to mourn those who we have lost, but we must remember not only how blessed we still are to have so many people in our corner but also how blessed we were to have known those who are gone in our lives. So, the main thing I plan to do this Christmas is to hug those who mean the most tight and not forget that while my heart is broken, they will be the ones who help piece it back together. This Christmas I promise to love them the way you did, uncontrollably and upmost unconditionally.
Merry Christmas, Grandpa. I can’t wait for the day I can hug you tight.
