I can't tell you how much I miss you everyday. It's only been a little over a month since you left us. Your picture and phone remain by my bedside. Your keychain is on my wallet. You remain in my heart. I am so heartbroken. I want to be able to rub your forehead like I would. I want to text you goodnight. I want you to call and complain about not having anymore Diet Mountain Dew. I want to hear about the latest Criminal Minds or Bates Motel episode you watched because I never get the chance to watch TV. I want you to make long, embarrassing Facebook posts about my sister and I. I want to write you a Christmas list and shop for you. I want to buy you a bunch of magazines and puzzle books. I want to hear your laugh. I want to be sleeping on the floor in front of the couch where you slept. I want to make pumpkin rolls, pecan pie, and hard tack candy with you. I want you to be here. I want you to be okay.
There are so many things that remind me of you. Everytime a customer gets Diet Mountain Dew, I think of you. I heard a Christmas song and thought of you because that was your favorite time of year. Everytime my sister smiles, I see you. I can't look at white t-shirts the same because that's all you wore.
My 17th birthday is here and I can't help but think of the surprise party that you threw for my 16th. (Even though you could never keep surprises and ruined it.) This birthday wasn't the same without you. None of my birthdays will ever be the same.
Anytime I smell cigarettes, I think of you. Anytime I smell vanilla, I think of you. Anything apple cinnamon reminds me of you.
It's so hard going places and not being able to tell you all about it. I just hope you're still proud of me because everything I do is for you. I'm gonna mess up but I hope that you can forgive me. (Like, I'm super sorry for getting acrylic nails when you always told me to never do it because it'll ruin my nails!!!)
I miss your long, rambling text messages with 'ur txt tlk' that never really made sense. I miss trying to interpret those text messages and eventually understanding.
I wish you were still here because I know that I always had someone who cared about me so much. And I love you more than anything in this world, mom. We all miss you so much. Thank you for always showing me you were so proud of me all the time. Thank you for teaching me strength. It's hard sometimes but when I think of you, I know I can do it. Thank you for being the best parent.
I want you to be here. I hope you're okay.
I love you forever.
Ur the gr8est.