With the arrival of Mother's Day, everyone wrote paragraphs of gratitude towards the female parental figure in their lives. Each paragraph talks about the hard work, sacrifice, and dedication these females put into improving the lives of their wards and are usually accompanied with a picture containing female parental unit with their ward. Call me bitter, call me whatever, but looking at those posts made me insanely jealous.
You see, I don't have that type of relationship with you. We don't talk late into the night about troubles in our lives, you think selfies are dumb, we barely even see other, let alone talk to each other in anything other than monosyllabic phrases and passive aggressive glaring. In fact, you can say I barely have a relationship with you.
But there never was a lack of trying. Ever since I got over my angsty the-whole-world-hates-me phase, I've been trying to repair my relationship with you. I'll strike up conversation with you, or even just say hi to you when you get back from work. But it all felt very one-sided. I never know how you'll feel about me that day. One day, you'll ask me what I want for dinner, and the next, you'll ignore me when I reply I want Vietnamese food.
It's gotten to the point where I got fed up with how emotionally unavailable you present yourself to be, when in fact I know you care. You care too much and that makes you vulnerable. You believe in tough love, I get that. I feel like sometimes you're regressing yourself to a more child-like self to handle your life, but sometimes I need you to be my mom. I need you to give me advice, to hold me when school is getting overwhelming, to guide me through this mess we call our lives. I understand completely that we have not established that type of relationship with each other, but I want us to try.
But especially since I insisted on going to school so far from you, I feel like there is an even bigger disconnect between us. I hold our amicable moments dear to my heart, those moments when you demonstrate that you actually care for my well being, those moments where you actually are my mom.
I guess what I've been trying to say is: I really miss you, mommy.
