Think about this number: One in six. The numbers that haunt me, and numb me to the core. One in six women experience physical or sexual violence in their lifetime.
It was my high school’s annual senior day. All of the seniors in my school, myself included, headed into the cafeteria, excited about what awaited us. A sweet breakfast, the chance of receiving our yearbooks and even a couple guest speakers. Long Island’s famous everything bagels were washed down with refreshing glasses of orange juice, and excitement was in the air. Next, we were invited to head into the chorus room for a short presentation on violence. Two women from Long Island’s safe center came to my high school to teach rising college freshmen about violence and sexual abuse. Needless to say, the basis of my education on physical and sexual abuse during my time in school has been through brief power point slides in 10th grade health class. Tenth grade health class, a couple of slides and not a peep since.
I was overwhelmingly grateful that two professionals who deal with abuse and sexual assault on a daily basis took the time to come to my high school and speak out about the crisis that is physical and sexual violence. Though, as the presentation went on, the misconceptions I heard were innumerable. The women who came to my school to educate us about physical and sexual violence did so with the best intentions, but their presentation fell short of what needed to be said and heard. Below are three notions I had observed during the presentation that feed rape culture.
1. Do not, under any circumstance, address any man in the room when discussing rape.
If I were to be generous, I would say that about 5 percent of the rape talk was directed at the men in the room. Rather than saying, “If you drug a girl’s drink, then sleep with her, you’re a rapist,” they said, “don’t put down your drink, you can be drugged and raped." Rather than saying, “If you have sex with a girl while she is too inebriated to form a sentence, you are a rapist,” they said, “when you wake up the next morning, don’t shower, his DNA may still be on you, and you will need that for the rape kit.” Rather than telling people not to rape, the presenters told us how to avoid getting raped. Apparently, it is much easier to send a victim to the hospital and then ship them home, broken and bruised goods, then to force people to take accountability for their actions, right? Lack of accountability is why rapists like Brock Turner only face six months in jail, despite the unanimous decision that he is, indeed, guilty of raping a girl behind a dumpster. Rape culture is a scary entity.
2. Yes means yes.
They told us that rather than telling students “no means no,” they often use the slogan, “yes means yes.” Now, I understand where they were coming from with this piece of information. It is important to get verbal approval from your sexual partner, especially if you are unsure of his or her comfort within the given situation. Though, there are several things that are very wrong with the slogan, “yes means yes.” First, yes is not absolute. Every single person has the right to change his or her mind. Even if someone said yes at first, he or she can still decide that they are no longer willing to have sex with you. If you have sex with someone after they tell you no, even if at first he or she said yes, you are a rapist. The presenters probably should have mentioned that. Second, if your sexual partner is under the influence, even if they can slur out the word yes, you do not have the right to have sex with them. Yes is not enough if your partner cannot manage to string together a proper sentence. Just because someone can say yes, does not mean they are in a state to consent to anything. Use your judgment.
3. You can prevent rape.
There are many precautions you can take to ensure your safety, but there is no way to prevent getting raped. When you tell a room full of girls and boys what they can do to prevent themselves from getting raped, that places accountability in the hands of the victim. Telling a girl she can prevent herself from getting raped, in itself, is a source of victim blaming. Yes, it is important to be aware that there are measures you can take to protect yourself, but just because a person does not follow the rulebook on how not to get raped, does not make them accountable. The only person who is accountable for rape is a rapist. The victim is never at fault. When you tell people how not to get raped, you are feeding into rape culture. Yes, educate people. Yes, spread awareness on safety. No, do not tell people that they can prevent rape. No one ever wants to be raped. Rapists will be rapists, despite who you went out with, what you were wearing and how much you drank. It is never the victim’s fault.
If I can leave you with anything, allow me to leave you with this. Accountability is key when participating in sexual activities. You must make sure consent is clear and present. If you participate in non-consensual sex, you are a rapist, and all accountability falls into your hands. Most importantly, never blame a victim of sexual assault. Victims do not, and should not, ever have to deal with your ignorance.
Disclaimer: This article focused mainly on the rape of women by men, which reflected the presentation I have based this article off of. I am fully aware of, and stand against, any and all acts of sexual assault directed at men. About one in 33 men have experienced an attempted rape or rape in their life times. The sexual assault of men is a clear and present issue, and I am not trying to diminish the importance of male victims by making women victims more prominent in this article.
