Forgiveness comes in many forms. It is often a small, easy gesture that doesn’t merit a second thought. Nevertheless, it is sometimes a task that can feel impossible or even undeserving. We might feel entitled to be merciless when we feel that someone has committed an unforgiving act against us. While this is a normal way to feel, this mindset usually hurts us more than the one needing forgiveness.
We’ve all heard the saying “forgive and forget,” right? Well, let’s pretend that we haven’t. I simply don’t think that it’s possible to forget some acts that require forgiveness. Let’s face it, some events are scarring and impossible to completely forget no matter how far back in our minds we push them. Other times, it just isn’t smart to forget. It would be foolish to set ourselves up to be the victim of an act again by erasing the previous acts from our minds.
However, forgiveness is not impossible or foolish. It does not mean that we have to put ourselves in a compromising position or be best friends with the person who hurt us. This is often unrealistic and dangerous. I was once told that forgiving someone means being able to wish them well and sincerely mean it, and I could not agree more. We are capable of sincerely wishing someone well no matter if we choose to remain in their life or step away.
This type of forgiveness does not grant the offender a hall pass to hurt us again, nor does it happen overnight. Forgiveness often takes time, and that’s okay. If it were to happen rapidly in extreme cases, then it probably wouldn’t be genuine. It’s as much about reaching acceptance as it is granting the other person forgiveness.
This does not mean that we have to accept that what happened to us was okay, because that sometimes is not going to ever be the case. Some things are just bad no matter how they’re looked at. We can accept that something happened, though. Just accepting that we were wronged, and that there is nothing that we can do to change that is a powerful step toward forgiveness. It allows us to let go of the misconception that we are powerless if we are not always in control of what happens in our lives.
When knowing that we do not have to put ourselves in a position that sets us up for hurt and accepting that we were hurt in some way are put together, nothing is in the way of forgiveness. We reach a point at which we can safely and meaningfully wish the wrongdoer well. This does not hurt us, but rather allows us to be resilient. We can move on without feelings of anger toward not being able to change the past.
This being said, there is no ideal timeline for this process. We are all different and process emotions differently. We are all forgiving for different reasons. Therefore, it might only take a few days, but it might also take a few years. And that is perfectly okay.
