Yiannopoulos Rents Extravagant Miami Crack Mansion

Last week, news outlets reported that alt-right "provocateur" and professional troll Milo Yiannapoulos started a new chapter of his existence in an 80s crack mansion in Miami, throwing a party there featuring a python, strippers, and semiautomatic weapons. The event was organized to inaugurate the launch of a nebulous "Milo Inc." through which Yiannopoulos intends to harass feminists and others on the left. Some say the extremely edgy party, however, signaled not an expansion of Yiannopoulos' power, but a stagnation or an internal collapse occasioned by an insatiable lust for power, betrayal by a best friend, and superior maneuvering by his Bolivian rival and cocaine supplier. But obviously that's just a hot take, from the cucks.

Several models who were recruited though their agency to work the party were apparently not informed in advance of the party's guest list, causing them to feel threatened by the alt-righters and hide in the bathroom (one bathroom, which was apparently shared by 150-200 people). Contemplating the situation, a Yiannapoulos aide turned to him and asked, "Hey, man, are you sure about moving to Miami like this?"

"This is paradise!" declared Yiannopoulos. "I'm tellin' ya! This town is like a great big p**sy just waiting to get f**cked!"

Yiannopoulos also announced that he would be suing Simon and Schuster, the enormous publishing house that dropped his book deal following public outcry against his comments defending pedophilia. "I TOLD YOU," he screamed. "DON'T F*CK WITH ME! I'LL KILL ALL YOU COCKROACHES!"

"Please," said an aide. "Please take your head out of the cocaine..."

Meanwhile, gunmen sent by his Bolivian rival could be seen on security cameras, rushing into the premises of the sprawling mansion. The decided booming of a synthwave soundtrack could be heard over the chaos. Yiannopoulos bent over the dead body in his office. "It's going to be alright, Gina," he said, kissing her cheek.

Yiannopoulos grabbed his firearm from the red velvet case to fend off the approaching assassins. "YOU WANNA F*CK WITH ME? YOU WANNA PLAY ROUGH?"

"But we don't," said the aide, "that's... that's not our door..."

Milo believed in the green light, the orgastic future that year by year recedes before us. It eluded us then, but that's no matter—tomorrow we will run faster, stretch out our arms farther.... And one fine morning—So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.

AN: Wow those PG-13 asterisks are so great, right?

AN(2): Scarface did not deserve this.

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