Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night, and the first thoughts that encounter my mind are the ones you've forced me to live with. These thoughts don't come and go like one would normally imagine. Instead, they seem to haunt me and take every ounce of my body's control. These thoughts linger in the deepest depths of my fragile mind... And as the darkness of the night shelters me from the outside, I can feel my hands grasping the corners of my blanket trying to cover the surface of my lips. I bite my tongue to hold its power of crying for help, because you have given me no options, but to lay here in my bed continuing to choke on my own desolation.

I can feel my hands clenching tighter around the blanket as these thoughts rapidly increase. The beating of my heart is no longer steady as it continues to oscillate in a brisk manner. You have taken control of the one last thing that’s mine, and during these very lengthy hours, it feels as if I am trapped within myself. There are strings attached to every limb of mine in which you have complete dominance over.

The images of horror begin to appear in front of me, so I close my eyes to make them go away. This is followed by a burning sensation that causes tears to flood the face which you've driven pale. A sense of exasperation and dismay takes over while these stream of emotions asphyxiate me. I fall apart and unravel myself trying to cease a moment filled with nothing but emptiness. While quenching whatever that is left of me, I lay here and ask, ‘’What’s there that's left of me that I can even call my own?’’

Then, in just a flash, my want for living halts. The beauty in life is now unappealing. The future turns into something unreachable, and my soul yearns for my existence to cease.

Life becomes a confinement which I find myself jailed within, and in this short period of time, I feel everything I once loved going against me. It annihilates me. It makes me feel despicable and hopeless, and as if I am some form of an appalling delinquent that deserves every single pain that levitates above me.

In the midst of these thoughts, I start to find beauty in death. There is a form of consolation that I see myself obtaining through my own mortality. My anguished thoughts transform into contentment, and this contentment expands the more I contemplate about my demise.

There is a feeling of comfort when I envision myself in a beautiful white dress dangling upon the ground. As I slowly move forward to wherever I'm trying to go, I can feel the weight above my shoulders beginning to shift away. I imagine my body reacting to some form of overdose that could possibly do the occupation I want to accomplish. I can picture myself taking every step, and within every step, the ground seems to be farther than it appears. However, I am not alarmed. I am not troubled or mournful as I come to realize that the effects are beginning to deteriorate my body.

Then, in only a few minutes, I can feel the temperature of my body decreasing-- I am now cold. There are shivers all throughout my body, and every inch of my hair begins to stick up. My teeth begin to rapidly clatter, and I find myself lying near the Hudson River's bumpy rocks, drowsy and fatigued. I try to warm myself up by squeezing my arms around my knees and positioning myself, so my back is arched. I close my eyes and hear the beat of my heart beginning to slow down. I try to count every beat that I possibly can... One, two, three, four... But I cannot seem to do this for long. I lay here staring at the dark blue river in which the rain swiftly falls within. I am unafraid, waiting for what I happen to desire so much.

But then... Then in just a flash, my heart begins to race. I start grasping for air, and I hear myself shouting, ''I can't breathe!'' My hands pull on to my dull-black hair, and my nails scratch the surface of my scalp. I open my eyes and find myself masked within the darkness of my own room with sweat dripping from the tip of my forehead. I quickly look to my sides as I sit in my bed trying to recollect my thoughts... And then... Here it comes again… I have realized that I have woken up in the middle of the night, and the first thoughts that have started to encounter my mind are the ones you've forced me to live with...