Life is not a game, as there are no resets and very limited respawns. The fear of choosing the wrong path petrifies me and cements me in place, for if I never choose a road to go down I will never fail. Society has instilled in me a perfectionist mindset and every failure deducts from me a reason to live, chipping away at my health slowly until I'm on my last pixels of hit points. As I live and grow I'm constantly tugged and shoved in all manner of directions, beaten down and picked up then thrust forward and dragged backwards by the throat, tossed violently by the rigors of time. From birth we are told to get a job that pays well to provide for a family that we have to have and kids we need to make and a house we have to have and more and more people are being pressured into a single mindset, and any deviation from this path is the wrong one and thinking about a different way to live is inefficient.

So many people have been conditioned to believe that if you don't have a degree you don't have a worth, that you'll never make it anywhere in life and that you'll be stuck flipping burgers and hiding your face from the world, ashamed that you've wasted your potential and have brought dishonor to your family name. I stand at a crossroads, a fork in the road that could change my life and let me live or be the nail in my coffin. I had to take a detour, to pull over to the side of the road to take care of my life's vehicle that I have neglected for so long, and in doing so I realize that there's so Many other roads to drive and I am not confined to this single, endless highway. My vehicle is almost ready to resume its journey, but as I look at the endless stream of blinded cars and crawling airplanes I question if any of us will ever really know what it means to be alive. I question if anyone truly knows where they are going, or if we've been manipulated without anyone's input. I lie down tonight without a clue of the world around me and less of an idea of what it could be. I stand petrified because I have no desire for anything that the world tells me I should desire and my heart runs in a direction that I'm told is for the lower class.

I was told once by a long gone spirit that if we want to build an airship, do not pick up tools and begin a task for that makes us no better than an unthinking, unfeeling mechanism. Rather, instill in yourself a yearning for the vast endlessness of the sky. Give yourself the gift of passion, and allow it to guide you to greatness. Many people have attempted to kill themselves. Knives to veins, bullets to heads, pills to stomachs. All of these are foolish. If you truly wish to commit suicide, then do as I say: find what it is you love, and ignore it. Then, you will know what death is.

I am no philosopher. I am not intelligent, I am not wise. I am a mere mortal, terrified of what may come and worse, what may not.

Wish me luck, I'm going to try and be alive.