1:40 a.m. It's late. Your mind is all over the place. You know how adults like to say "nothing good happens past midnight", they were right. & I don't mean it in the way ya'll think, I mean once you let yourself stay up past midnight, suddenly everything that you have pushed back in your mind through the day hits you like a brick.

I struggle telling people how I feel in person, confrontation is not my strong suit. I feel weak and would rather just say the least amount of words than to actually let someone in. Then the night hits, and you think of everything you could have done, should have done, but didn't do. Whether that train of thought leads you to a moment that happened two years ago or yesterday, that pit in your stomach arises and you overthink every little thing. I write because I want to help people, I pray to God I am not the only one who struggles mentally sometimes and if one person who needs to hear these words reads this, then that's all that matters.

I'm going to be honest, I've spent a lot of my years lying to the people who care about me the most, I've made a lot of mistakes. If you've kept up with my post you know high school wasn't my peak and I'm okay with that. Although I'm only on the verge of 19 and I know I still have so much more life to go through and many more mistakes to make, I have grown as a person. Some of the best advice my mother has given me is, its okay to mess up, we're all human; but you have to learn from the mistakes, if you don't learn from them then it was just a waste of time. Most of the times when she said that to me I shook my head and agreed but I didn't really take it in. So now, I'm taking it in, in the best way I know: sharing my struggles.

I cry more than I want to admit too, I overthink every possible situation until it makes me sick to my stomach, I constantly worry about having a "guy" when things don't workout I wonder why I'm not good enough, I look in the mirror constantly unpleased with my appearance, I give my friends advice that I know God did to put the words of what I need to hear right in front of my face, but yet I still can't take my own advice. I struggle. I'm being honest because I don't want people who also feel this way to ever think they're alone. Something I really dislike is when you open up to someone and they say "there's always someone who has it worse than you."

You know what, you're right. There 100% are many, many people who have it worse but that doesn't mean you're own struggles don't matter. It doesn't mean you should be ashamed of how you feel because "life could be worse." I'm SO blessed. I really am. I know that, and I'm sure you all are blessed too, but it doesn't mean we don't struggle sometimes with ourselves. You're not weak, you're human.

Sometimes at night when I pray I ask God to help me take my struggles away and I get very frustrated the next morning when I wake up and I'm not "better." I believe in God with my whole heart, I trust His plan and nothing will change that about me, but I would be lying if I said it was always easy to trust that everything that happens is in His will, because sometimes it's not easy, sometimes you really want something and when it doesn't work out with how we planned you just wanna look up and ask "why?"

Loneliness is another thing that hits me at night sometimes and all I want is for God to walk in my dorm room and tell me what I should do, tell me why I'm feeling this way, and just lay out what His plan is for me. Sometimes we have to take a step back and realize that God never fails. He's right here. He never closes one door without opening up another and when I finally just take a deep breath and remember that, I feel better. Y'all, He always has a plan it's just that your plan isn't always His plan. I'm not trying to preach to you guys, I know sometimes Christianity can be shoved in your face and that's not what I'm trying to do. These are my struggles. This is honesty.

My favorite person to remind me of Gods plan and put my life back into perspective is my dad because he is the definition of a changed man. He is someone who let God fill his heart and I look up to him entirely for it. We're kind of the same person, flaws and all. We think the same, mess up in the same way, neither of us is the best at sharing our emotions, but most importantly we have the same heart. A flawed heart, just like everyone else, but my dad; he has a heart of gold. The kind of heart that would help anyone, and I couldn't be prouder of the person he is and who he's helped me be.

So, here it is. Here's honesty. Struggles. Flaws and all. Now currently, 2:30 am thoughts. Be okay with where you've been because it's made you who you are, and you know what, you're pretty great and don't let yourself think any less. Just remember, you're SO much more than your midnight struggles.

All my love,

Taylor Thompson