The opening chords of ‘Sweet Caroline’ start to play and recognition passes over the faces of everyone around me. It’s the millionth time we’ve heard this song at this bar, but we get excited every time nonetheless. I turn to my girlfriends and we begin jumping around, screaming out the lyrics of the chorus.
I feel a tap on my shoulder and turn to face a boy my age. He’s holding a beer in his hand and his eyes are a little glazed over.
“Hi,” he says.
“Hey,” I respond. He continues to stare and makes no move to carry on the conversation.
“Can I help you with something?” I ask, eager to get back to my friends. A confused look crosses over his face.
“What’s your name?” he follows up with. I give him my name, and the conversation grinds to a halt once again. I quickly dismiss the situation and turn around to finish out the song with my girls.
“Bitch.”
Yes, this situation comes from personal experience, and no, this has not been a one-time occurrence.
Before I begin to ramble about drunk college dudes, let me preface this article with a disclaimer: I am a feminist, but I am not a man-hater. I believe in equality of sex and I am very aware that one man is not representative of the rest. I have a lot of smart, well-intended guys in my life that make up for the drunk idiots I run into at the bar.
Additionally, I don’t drink. My experience at bars and clubs differs greatly from the majority, who have a somewhat distorted perception of reality. I don’t mind being surrounded by drunk people – most of the time it’s just funny – but I do think people would approach me differently if they knew I wasn’t under the influence of anything.
With that being said, let’s clarify a few things.
First and foremost, buying a drink for a girl does not mean they are obligated to touch you, kiss you, go home with you, or anything else. You don’t earn the right to a woman’s body just because you were nice enough to drop a whopping three dollars on a shot of bottom-shelf vodka. While this is a nice gesture and an easy segue into further conversation, it is non-committal. It is perfectly okay for a girl to accept a drink, decide they are no longer interested, and move on.
Too many times have I witnessed a look of resentment or confusion cross over a guy’s face after a girl shifts away from their touch or declines to offer up their number. And no, I am not saying a man is not allowed to question the situation or be disappointed when it doesn’t work out. What I’m saying is we need to eliminate expectations. Offering up a drink and a couple minutes of surface-level conversation should not insinuate anything more than a ‘thank you.’
What’s more is we are allowed to say no. I have been approached many times by men who suggest a drink or try to make conversation and act as though I am obligated to play along. Maybe I am in the middle of another exchange or maybe I’m looking for a friend. Saying no does not make me a bitch or rude or insensitive. Perhaps I’m just not interested.
And you’ll know when I am. My roommate and I recently thought it would be a funny idea to Snapchat every guy I spoke with at the bar one night. From videos spanning less than ten seconds each, you could visibly detect which conversations I was interested in and which I was indifferent to. There’s more eye contact, smiling, arm-touching. A girl’s body language can communicate a lot.
Most importantly, though: when we say no, we mean it. No does not mean maybe. It does not mean try again and it does not mean I am playing hard-to-get. It means thanks, but no thanks.
This is especially relevant on the dance floor. Most girls have experienced the feeling of a stranger’s hands wrapping around their body from behind. The logic behind grabbing a woman by the waist as an opening move is beyond me. It is not pleasant or welcomed. It is met with disgust and aversion. I should not have to physically push you away in order to get my point across.
I will leave you with this tidbit: women are four times more willing than boys to engage in sexual activity they do not like or want. I learned this while reading Peggy Orenstein’s Girls & Sex (a great read for any girl looking to learn more about women’s sexuality and self-perception). She talks about girls avoiding the word “no” out of fear of being perceived as uptight or prude.
I want to eliminate this standard and in order to do that, we need cooperation from both sexes. Don’t set the expectation that a drink will lead to anything more or make a girl feel guilty for being honest. Don’t judge them for saying no; respect their choice and move on.
Ladies – drunk dudes are a drag. However, their slurred speech, waist-grabs, and judgement passed don’t determine how the rest of your night goes. Brush them off and make moves towards the cutie you’ve had your eyes on all night. They’ll learn eventually.
