Sinking, suffocating, somberness. Desolation, despair, hopelessness. Once again, I feel as if I am drowning in a sea of myself, enclosed in an underwater cavern with no chance of escaping. Every winter, this same bleak mood envelops me in a blanket of gloom until the sun reappears and the weather bumps up a few degrees. This is known as Seasonal Affective Disorder, aptly named SAD.

The fact that finals season has sprung upon us has definitely not improved the situation. The weeks before me are crammed with exams and due dates, and just thinking about the workload makes me feel lethargic and dejected. As a college freshman, this is also my first winter being away from home and homesickness has finally settled in as I long to sleep in my full-sized bed once more and wake up to the smell of my mother brewing coffee.

This winter has barely begun and I already know this might be the most difficult one to overcome. Usually, these moods have lasted anywhere between a week to a month and have mostly consisted of me keeping a strict diet of just yogurt and water a day (actual meals were too heavy for my stomach) and heading straight home after school to nap until dinner and then finishing my homework before heading to bed yet again.

Depressing yet uneventful.

The past few days, however, felt like I've been completely removed from the world surrounding me and I've felt myself disassociate even when I go through my daily routine. More concerningly, I’ve broken out into crying jags multiple times a day, which is completely out of the norm for me and, frankly, frightens me quite a bit.

With the change in seasons, I also sense a change in my personality. I become moody, snippy, or just completely socially detached. Normally a social person that flourishes in the company of others, I grow completely disinterested in others and become self-absorbed in my own self-pity, which, I know, is totally annoying.

I also stay at home and become disinterested in most, if not all, of my favorite hobbies and trade it all in for sleeping and listening to music by myself. This has led to many strained relationships and I have lost people along the years due to my irrational behavior.

I’ve never spoken publicly about this nor have I sought treatment. It is just something I have learned that happens to me and comes and goes as it pleases once the temperature drops. I am lucky that it is not severe and doesn’t completely affect my life and I can still be declared functional, even if I’m not totally myself. I am aware that others cannot relate to this, and some experience something much more powerful than I do, something that overwhelms them and dominates their entire lives.

While I can’t say that I completely understand, I do know what it feels like to be completely trapped inside your own mind. This time is difficult for many and with those already suffering it merely exacerbates previously existing issues. Be that as it may, I do know that hardships are never meant to last forever and that whatever it is, it too shall soon pass.

This despondency that I’m under might currently feel like the end of the world, but I know that soon the sun will start peeking out from the clouds and I will live againmaybe a little rougher around the edges, but definitely not without a smile on my face.