Everyone in my life knows that my mental health has been terrible for quite a while. It’s obvious (at least I hope so) that I’m improving, but that can be extremely hard for me to remember that on my bad days. It’s so easy to focus on the negative, since that’s what my brain has been training itself to do for so long. Taking a step back and finding the positive steps that I’m making can feel like the hardest thing in the world sometimes.
When I have a hard time remembering the improvements that I’m making, I find it really helpful to think of everyday experiences – or at least experiences that I’ve had multiple times – and really analyze my responses to them. For example, I scraped my car against someone else’s while pulling into a parking spot the other day. I like to think that it’s a relatively common occurrence – I’ve done it twice now. I know, it’s not the smartest thing I’ve ever done. In fact, it was really stupid, I’ll admit it. However, I reacted so much more productively this time than I did last time. I calmly left a note instead of speeding away and having an anxiety attack, and I called my mom instead of keeping it a secret and torturing myself for months. I’m not happy that it happened, but I’m not beating myself up over it either. I can’t change the past, I can only pay more attention in the future.
Right before I did this, I was thinking about how angry at myself I was for being so negative all the time. It’s frustrating that my default emotions are sad and anxious and that I automatically assume the worst in every situation. It’s a constant effort to be positive and happy instead, and it really gets exhausting. Sometimes it doesn’t feel worth it to fight myself so hard.
Situations like this that show me my undeniable progress remind me that it is worth it. As much work as it is to get better, and as slow as the process feels sometimes, it’s so worth it. I deserve to feel happy instead of depressed.
I know I’m not the only one who starts to wonder if happiness is worth the constant fight. Spoiler alert – it is. You’re going to be okay. It’s not an overnight process, but you start to get better the minute you decide that you want to, even if you don’t see it yet. Eventually, you’ll be able to look back on these days and realize how much you’re already improving. Find your situation that reminds you how much better you’re doing. You’re worth your fight, and someday you’ll realize that. Until then, I’ll be here to remind you.
