I have always struggled with anxiety. It has always been a demon of mine that I had to wrestle with regularly. It became an easier fight to win for a while, but it became a fight I was losing more and more. Finally, about four or five months ago, I lost a huge battle with my anxiety, and it took over completely. I spent two months of my life a slave to my anxiety, without even realizing it. Every day, I was freaking out and having panic attacks. I couldn't even handle being at my internship without picking my phone up and using it as a security blanket. My anxiety got me dismissed from my internship because I couldn't put my phone down to respect the rules of the facility. I graduated with my associate's degree and had a panic attack the next day. I spent months unable to function like a normal person should.
Finally, my anxiety took over so much that I couldn't handle the constant noise in my head anymore, so I started hurting myself to give myself something else to focus on mentally. It became a habit. Anytime I would have overwhelming anxiety, I'd find any way to hurt myself I could think of. Anything would work, and it was almost as exhausting as the anxiety but it wasn't as hard because then I wasn't focused on the mental toll my anxiety was taking on me. Finally one night, it all became too much and my brain started telling me ending my own life was my only solution. I freaked out and went to the hospital, scared by my own thoughts.
I got diagnosed with anxiety, following this breakdown. So many people made me feel I needed to be ashamed of my breakdown, but I have realized I should be proud of my strength. I should be proud that I was strong enough to recognize the problems with my thoughts and recognizing I needed to go get help.
My breakdown saved my life. I am unashamed of the fact that I broke down. I am proud of how strong I was for noticing the problem in how my mind was acting. I am proud of myself for listening to my body telling me everything about the thoughts I was having were wrong. I am proud of myself and my strength during a time of stress.
