One of the last things I want happening at 6:00 AM is to be tailgated on a local street by a giant monster known by its scientific name as the Chevrolet Tahoe. At one point it cut me off only to merge back into the left lane, and we drove next to each other for a stretch of two miles. It kept speeding up to every streetlight only to be stopped by red lights each time. Meanwhile, I let my car crawl to each intersection so I could roll by in victory and show off my perfect timing. Halfway to where we went our separate ways, the massive creature started going 50 MPH in a 35 MPH zone just to shake me off while I went on my leisurely way.
First of all, it was way too early for that nonsense. Second, I got the message the driver was unhappy with his steed of choice. If you're going to drive a giant hunk of metal as if it were a smaller, sportier hunk of metal, perhaps you should just get that little car instead.
This same experience has happened at different times in the day with different cars. The most common culprit, however, is a man in a minivan. Like, I get it, dude. You hate how that spacious vehicle cramps your style with practicality and the "mom car" stereotype. Everyday you tell yourself, "It's not a mom car. I'm a manly man driving on an A-rank mission. Ignore the stares."
Bankrate was kind enough to compose this list of "5 macho minivans for the average Joe," but not to fear! I have designed a car for the men with a bad case of hypermasculinity. I'm calling it... the MENivan, the minivan for the manly man in your life.
First and foremost, let's delve into the interior and work ourselves out. Say goodbye to those standard cup holders and get ready to bro fist bump a mini fridge to share between you and your co-pilot. It's perfect for storing a six-pack of your favorite dark beer and energy drinks.
Where there's beer, there's sports. What better way to enjoy both in your MENivan than with two TV screens in the sun visors. Flip down the one on the driver's side for a game. The passenger's side is for either "Top Gun" or "The Expendables."
Moving onto the dashboard area. Airbags printed with your favorite football jersey numbers are there to protect you in any crash. At the same time, the impact is meant to simulate multiple hard tackles.
I'm renaming the glove compartment and calling it the "tube sock compartment" instead. Pretty self-explanatory. Don't worry; Polo shirts and khakis are stashed in the trunk.
What car is complete without an air freshener? The MENivan comes with a complimentary wrench-shaped odor eliminator which fills your speed demon with the lovely scent of vanilla... or you could call it MANilla if you would like (the alternative name is minivanilla).
You and your passengers will ride in sleek comfort in your customized Recaro racing seats. Choose from a variety of patterns including gravel, flannel, and bacon. Personally, I think the flannel goes great with the golf club handle used as the gear shift.
Growling under the hood in pent up rage is the most powerful engine known to man, a jet engine.
Finally, we come to the exterior. You've got the power, but you need the style to match.
I save indecisive men the trouble from choosing between racing stripes and flames by combining the two into racing stripes made of flames. Gracing the rear is a spoiler, which compliments the quad tip exhaust system. Spinners are optional but highly encouraged.
Lastly, each van has a MENivan bumper sticker slapped on the back just to make sure everyone knows it's a special kind of car just for you.
I know what you're thinking "Doesn't this need rockets?" You're right! Unfortunately, I cannot include rockets because they pose as a safety hazard.
Overall, this is the ideal vehicle for the men in need of a high occupancy vehicle without the negative "soccer mom" stigma. I hope to one day release all men from this oppression. Screw baby steps. For now, we must lightly jog into the project headfirst.
