After months of uneventful Monday evenings, the drama of the "Bachelor"/"Bacherlorette" series once again returns. With the season premiere, or as I like to call it: "meet 25 gorgeous men you can never have," comes the tears, the abs and the crazies. At one point, all of the men were standing around in a circle of suits and fratty boy hair, and I couldn't tell who was who anymore. It's time to get to know the men. If you missed JoJo's return to the mansion and all that juicy drama, here's your recap on the most memorable men from the season premiere.
First up to home plate, meet Chad. Chad has that rugged manly look that makes me imagine him fixing my car in a ripped up white T-shirt. Is that just me? Oh.
From what we've seen on the first night, Chad has all the makings to become this season's troublemaker. He has the wondrous ability to be a sweet talker or the self-absorbed fool depending on the audience. Hold on to your hats and sunglasses people, 'cuz this here's gon' be a wild ride.
Maybe you really want someone to tell you about your aura at a local restaurant were everything is served in mason jars with organic goat cheese and costs double what it should. Brandon is the boy for you.
With an occupation of "hipster", I'm not exactly certain what he does in his day-to-day life, but I'm sure it looks something like the previous notion. He also describes himself as humble and says the person he admires most is his mom. Cute.
James, James, James S. Now, I'm not exactly sure if this kid is on the show because he likes JoJo or because his job title is "Bachelor Superfan." Yes, for real.
Evan kind of looks like a meerkat in a way that does not make me feel safe.
Introduced as a helmeted motorcyclist hunk, Alex was the first contestant that actually made me want to die. He's a U.S. Marine, described as self-motivated and loyal, and plans to attain a master's degree and run his own business — the entrepreneur in me cried a little inside. Alex is the boy you bring home to Mom that your Dad actually respects. Shocking, I didn't know boys like that actually existed. They even show pictures of him in his uniform. I know.
Oh. And it gets better.
Alex has a twin (yay), prefers to slow dance over "booty shaking", and once saved someone's life by ripping the door off a burning car and pulling the unconscious driver out. Lordy.
James Taylor is an adorable little peach that I just want to cuddle. He's a singer/songwriter. I know he's got an iconic name, but he's got pipes himself and proved just that by serenading JoJo.
There's something about the kid playing guitar that just makes me want to rub his scruffy face and order Chinese in a New York flat in my pajamas. #goals
The most memorable thing about Wells is that he brought All-4-One to serenade JoJo...and then he let them hang around during their one-on-one time together. Awkward.
With a name like Jordan, it has to be good. Can we just take a moment to appreciate this boy?
Nick B. came dressed as Santa, which I thought to be a little strange, but JoJo seemed to dig it. He stayed in the suit all night, and I still don't know what the other 99 percent of his body looks like outside of his eyes. And neither will you. You're welcome.
Crowning himself the biggest fool of the night, ladies and gents, meet Daniel.
First of all, he's Canadian. Secondly, his opening line was "Damn, JoJo" in reference to "Damn, Daniel," which needs to die immediately. Oh how I love when 30-year-olds impersonate adolescents. On his application, he proclaimed himself to be the "lambo" of human bodies. Don't believe me?
This kid also managed to get extremely inebriated, strip down, go for a dip in the pool and poke another contestant's belly button. And JoJo still kept him. I'm blaming that one on ABC.
And there you go. Here's to the season of crazy.
