When I was 10 years old, I meticulously planned my future. I organized a list of all my potential career aspirations, candidates for a perfect future husband, determined exactly how many kids I would have, when I would have them, what gender they would be and the first and middle names of each.
I decided where I would attend college, where I would go following college and where I would raise my family. I had it all figured out, my future was pretty much set in stone and I really had no question in my mind that the course of my life would falter from this exact plan.
According to this plan, however, I should have attended Princeton University, followed by design school at Parsons and a tremendously successful career as a part-time fashion designer, part-time fashion journalist, full-time celebrity. I should be on track to marrying my third-grade crush, the one that I only communicated with through Club Penguin, and we would have seven dogs, each of a different breed.
As I sit here now, on the brink of 20 years old, I truly question the sanity of my fourth-grade self. Why, when I was nowhere near it, did I waste those precious years thinking about growing up?
Maybe life seemed cooler as a grown up when I still had to ask for a green hall pass every time I needed to use the bathroom. Being grown up meant real boyfriends and driving and school dances. All I can say now is that adulthood is not all that it was cracked up to be...
It's like when you turn 18, they flip a switch and suddenly you're expected to be "responsible" and "put together."
A job? Yeah everyone expects you to have one of those.
Overheard statement: "You should know better."
Still only a freshman in college? That's OK! Everyone will still ask you what your plans are for your future.
Adulthood is like entering a fast track; a world of four-year plans, and 10-year plans, and getting internships now that will help you get your dream career in 12 years. It is overwhelming and exhausting, yet it opens up a world of possibility.
I now have the responsibility and freedom that I once dreamed of as a quiet little fourth-grader trapped in a classroom filled with demeaning birthday calendars, building blocks and classroom job lists.
I make my own schedule each day, decide how to spend my free time, make appointments with people I want to meet with, eat what I want to eat, become involved in things I am passionate about being involved in and have the ability to shape my future day by day as I go.
I don't consider myself a grown up, hence the quotation marks. Rather, I am straddling the line between adulthood and childhood. I am no longer confined to study halls and lunch-times. I still wear my hair in braids, call my mom when I need help and struggle with my laundry. I may be an adult by age, but I am a kid at heart.
As for my future 'plan,' I don't even have next semester's schedule planned let alone my life. I am almost 20 and nowhere near on track with the plan fourth-grade me had in mind. I think she'd still be proud.
