The Creation
In the beginning I was a boy. In the beginning I was different. In the first years I had a family and some friends. And it was good. In the later years I had trouble making friends, I struggled to find the good. I was angry at the world, at myself: “Why was I so different?” This is not who I want to be. So I wasn’t.
The world was huge to me and did not make sense. I struggled to understand myself and others. I had thoughts in my head that I could not figure out. I was afraid. And afraid I stayed. This went on for some time until it made sense. The answers came. And it was good.
Another Account of the Creation
Now in the time of my childhood I was active in my church. My parents were involved and we attended regularly. My brother quickly decided that this place of worship and principles that came with it were not, and would not be, for him. Slowly I doubted. I was not sure if I liked church for the people and friends, or if I liked it for the message and feelings. I became attached to church, begging to go every chance I had. And it was good. Confused still, but good.
Confirmation
I was in seventh grade when things made sense. After years of sitting in bible studies and not talking. After years of silence and fighting with my own thoughts. After a life of cluelessness. I found the answer. The answer was easy really. The answer was God. The LORD was my answer. My way out of my own head. It was an answer but I was far from a solution. It would take much meditation and reading to find a solution.
Confirming what I believed in helped diagram what was in my head. Learning about the connections with The LORD was another step as well. I was able to dissect this gift I had. As unbelievable as it sounds, I could talk to God. And not just one sided conversations, two-way questions and answers.I was scared. I thought surely people would think I was crazy or even being blasphemous. But I knew that I had to use this gift. And it would be good.
This new found skill put me in a very odd situation for a 14 year old. I wasn’t sure if I should tell people or keep this to myself. So I developed a plan. I would slowly try to help people give them guidance.
The First Attempt
It is my freshmen year. To the beach we went for a youth retreat. After a week of fun and games it came time to plan a service. Everyone was to participate in the Sunday morning service to be held on the beach. After all the spots were taken, there was one left. The sermon. Nervous and scared, I took it. The passage was Matthew 14:22-33. Or better known as Jesus Walks on Water. I stared at the words in my Bible for hours. Nothing. I had no thoughts or feelings or connections with the words. Then I found something. Something that would encapsulate me for the rest of my life:
“Peter answered him, “Lord, if it is you, command me to come to you on the water.”He said, “Come.” So Peter got out of the boat, started walking on the water, and came toward Jesus.But when he noticed the strong wind, he became frightened, and beginning to sink, he cried out, “Lord, save me!”Jesus immediately reached out his hand and caught him, saying to him, “You of little faith, why did you doubt?”When they got into the boat, the wind ceased.And those in the boat worshiped him, saying, “Truly you are the Son of God.””
So I wrote. I scribbled and drew on every inch of one notebook page. The words flew out of me. The feelings were there, my mind was ready. The next morning was the service. We were on the beach in New Jersey. The wind was loud. The ocean was loud. The birds were loud. I began to speak. I remember yelling to have my voice achieve greatness over the sounds of nature. I remember the words I started with:
“You know, I find myself sinking sometimes. That little bit of doubt, that loss of hope.”
It had begun. The start of my first sermon. I have no clue what else I said in that speech that day in the sand. The last thing I remember was seeing half of the people listening cry at the end. I was flooded with compliments and at that point knew, this is what I had to be doing.
The Loss That Helped
Imagine you have a mentor, a queen. A woman you look up to like a mother, like a ruler. Someone who can teach and sing anything you needed to know. Someone that knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you forget, someone you love. Now imagine they are gone. Think about the defeat of cancer, the loss of life, the loss of my life. Now picture a girl, about fifteen, lost and confused about life, her mother had just died. She was scared and alone. Now imagine this girl is thrown into the pits of your life. What do you do? You are in no place to “take care” of her, you have no say on how she should feel or what she should think. What do you do?
I took a leap of faith, a jump of faith, or maybe a dive. It was tough. I was comforting a girl who had just lost a parent and was trying to decipher “God’s Plan.” My mind raced as I tried to develop a plan to ensure this girl would be safe and happy forever. But that was the problem, she would never be happy. This challenged me to the point where I was pushing myself every day to be better, smarter, and wiser.
After that I knew I had a gift that I was being commanded to use. This challenge ensured what I needed to be doing.
The Calling According to Steve
No one can describe it. Many have been questioned and asked about it. The calling is an indescribable feeling when you know that you need to be teaching The Word. Dr. Steve Drake attempts to paint the picture:
“A man passes by a beautiful farm day after day. He realizes he would like to get a closer look, so he finds a place where he can sit and view the thousands of acres. He can't see it all, but he sees enough of it to take his breath away… The beauty lying before him thrills his heart. He feels compelled to approach the Husbandman to see if there might be a place for him on the farm, a place where he could take part in the process of harvesting. It doesn't matter so much to him if his assignment is to till soil, plant seed, or shepherd sheep as they grow from birth to full maturity.”
And that’s just it. Not knowing all of something, the question, the wonder, the part of the world that no one looks into or strives to discover, something that could be made great or made better if only someone were to take the time to discover it. That’s the calling. That’s why we do what we do. The death was the wonder, why God would take away such an amazing woman, a mother, a teacher? Those where the questions. And God was the answer. Well God wasn’t the real answer, but God was the way to the answer.
The Second Attempt
One Sunday a year at my church the high schoolers would lead the service. It was called Youth Sunday. Everyone gets a part of the service, from prayers, to songs, to readings, to the time with children. This time I boldly took the sermon. I used the verse of The Bible that had been a part of my life forever, a verse that encapsulated me, a verse that gives me hope, a verse that will be in my head forever. The shortest verse in the Bible:
“Jesus Wept”
The shortest verse that had meant so much to me. The verse I used with that girl every time we cried together. The verse says that Jesus is human, and he does have emotion, and thoughts, and feelings. Just like me. The verse that said it is okay to cry. Life is hard and crying is okay. Heck, even Jesus did it.
The sermon continued with how Jesus is my friend, and the Bible commands us to “lay down one’s life for one’s friends.” So that’s what I did.
YouTube According to Me
Once I discovered my ability I wanted to perfect the art. So I started to record myself. I would set a camera up in my living room and talk, I would talk for 5-7 minutes about whatever came to my head. I would not write things or plan ahead. I would look at the camera and talk, and these seemingly angelic sermons would flow out of me. You can still see them today if you search “Connor Ferreri” on YouTube or search “What Did Jesus Do” , that’s what I called it. I was tired of hearing people ask “What would Jesus do” because we know what he did, and how he acted. So I wanted to talk about it, I wanted to talk about the good, great things the he did. I got a lot of surprising feedback from the videos. I just made them for myself to organize my thoughts, but other people were watching them. People I did not even know were commenting and reaching out to me about them. This too solidified my thoughts that this was something I needed to be doing. So that’s what I did.
The Father
My father is the smartest person I have ever met. When I was young he wrote a visualization for a Lent Service. It was a senses show that encapsulated hearing, vision, sight, smell, and touch. It was a dark service explaining the death of Jesus. There were people that would speak but would not be seen, there was a cross in the middle of the stage, there was fog and strobe lights, there was incents and smells, and it was cold in the room. Everything he did had a purpose. He reached every sense during the show. It was amazing. The show would be held in the huge sanctuary of my church, with the temperature specially set to create a chill, and the light all off. You never knew when the show would begin because you would sit in silence for about 15 minutes first. Then a loud rooster would crow. And it started. Dramatic readings and flashing lights on the cross.The smell of something that you cannot quite figure out what it is, but you know it’s not normal. The emotion was filling the church. The best part was when it ended. There was no end. It stayed dark, it stayed cold. Some people would stay for hours, other would get confused. My father had created this project, this emotion, he was controlling the people. And I wanted to have that feeling.
The Future
So it has been established, I need to preach, I need to work in a church. So the summer before junior year I began my college search. I was looking a small schools with a strong religion department. When I say schools that’s not really what I meant. I was looking at one. It was suggested to me by my pastor that I look at The College of Wooster. We packed up the car and drove the straight, boring, tight, sickly, seven-hour ride to the campus. About ten minutes before arriving I wanted to turn around and go home. We were looking at farms for miles and a small run-down downtown. This was not the place for me. Though we just made the voyage so I figured I would consider it. I took the tour, sat in on a class, and met the nicest people in the world. It was home. This is where I needed to be. I bought a sweatshirt at the bookstore, which pretty much solidifies your college choice. I was done. I did not need to see any more school or talk to any more people. This was home. There was just one problem- Grades.I had always been an average student and struggled on my SAT and ACT. After taking the tests over and over and not getting results, I was done. I was going to have to deal with it and figure out how to display my other strengths. I would visit three more times and have an interview in my hometown. I would highlight all of my strengths and involvement so that my grades were out-shadowed. I applied. I applied November 1st. I was accepted November 12th and committed November 13th. That was it. I applied to one place, one home, one plan, one answer. I would declare a Religious Studies major and an English minor by my second semester of my freshmen year. I was on track. The future would still hold Seminary, and Ordination, and the process would begin again.
The Final (For Now)
The final sermon I gave before leaving for college was on July 19th 2015.I had just returned from my last mission trip as a high schooler. I had been through a lot over the years, this was the opportunity to speak the truth. The message for the mission trip was that we are all God’s work of art. I spoke in chronological order about my life in the church. I went to the front and spoke of baptism, the first pew and spoke of my first communion, the top step of the stage and recalled my confirmation. I could see in the congregation’s eyes that they could remember the moments, because they too were there. I spoke of being very scared and quite about God. I spoke of coming out of my shell. I spoke of life, and death, I spoke of me. I spoke of how I am a work of art, no, I called myself a masterpiece. I was a masterpiece created by God. But it was not always that way. I was an imperfect piece of stone. I was carved out of the rock, chiseled and carved, polished, and cleaned. I still had impurities, as does any work of creation, but I was shaped by the Church, the people, the memories, and God. I was a divine masterpiece, I concluded.
Revelations
The thoughts come every day. I can write a sermon in minutes, or talk of any Bible verse. I cannot stop myself from thinking of new questions or stop from talking to God, but I would not want to. I have learned how control my thoughts, I have learned to organize everything that makes me, well, me. It is hard to be Christian in college, that’s a fact, it is the truth. It is hard to be in college, also the truth. It is hard to be away from home, in another state from my friends, miles away from family, a world away from my church. But it will come again. The semester is ending, I will be returned yet again to my first home. I will be greeted at the white gates by all of my loved ones and share all of the stories of my experiences.Then it will be time to come back. Back to work, back to school where I will work to perfect my art, and hone my skill, test my gift. But don’t worry people of that small Pennsylvania town, “Surely I am coming soon”. And when I do, I will remain to be that different boy still, I will be that lost kid during the Bible studies, but that is alright. I am no longer the man watching the farm, wishing he could work, I am no longer sinking; and that’s good. Because I am created by God, I am a masterpiece. “The Grace of the Lord Jesus be with all saints. Amen.”
