Capricorn

The alignment of Mercury and Venus is causing you to be a bit of a tool this week. Like, you’ll probably spend most of your time taking out your crippling inadequacy issues in a YouTube comment section. Just being realistic, bro. Go to the gym or something. Or just leave. Nobody invited you to this page. Honestly, I don’t even know why we include you in these readings. Everybody else is a cool animal or a Greek God. You’re a “sea goat.” That’s gross. You’re gross. Please go.

Aquarius

The pull of the moon will draw you closer to the one you love! Unfortunately, you’ll discover he’s already dating someone and therefore can’t go out on Friday –– or did he say he was sick? Did he say he had to work on his thesis? I don’t know. All of his excuses are starting to blend together. The bottom line is, he isn’t interested.

Pisces

Neptune’s orbit will bring it very close to Earth this month, which means you’ll probably start thinking about your future. Where will you work? Where will you live? Who will you be with? These questions are irrelevant. You’ll be jobless for months, you’ll move back in with your parents, and odds are you’ll be stuck with the “Cats of Instagram” page. Welcome to 2016.

Aries

As Mars draws closer to the sun, your confidence in the workplace will be at an all time high. Clients will be pleased with your guidance, coworkers will see you for the leader you are and management will take notice. That last part about management isn’t good though. You’re working too hard. You’re making everybody look bad. They’re going to pull a Jerry Maguire and fire you if you don’t calm down.

Taurus

As Uranus crosses the winter skies, you begin to look for ways to better yourself, especially in terms of health. But don’t get too excited. Your war on carbs will end faster than a race with Usain Bolt. Your gym membership will expire like a gallon of milk. I guess you could renew it, but do you really want to waste the money? Also just checking, Capricorn, are you still reading this? Get out dude, I told you to leave.

Gemini

Trials and tribulations will stem from Venus’ transit across the sky. Very soon you’ll have to decide between hurting a friend with the truth and comforting them with a lie. Basically she’s being cheated on or something dramatic. But she always has some kind of drama going on. You’re sick of her crap. Tell her the truth. Watch her suffer. Give in to your anger.

Cancer

Jupiter crashed into Saturn or something. Looks like your boyfriend is going to dump you!

Leo

The time to seek a new love has come. Be bold, be brave, and be yourself! Haha –– No, I’m just kidding. Make a tinder profile, add some clearly edited photos and start swiping right. Don’t look at people’s pictures, and don’t read the bios. No one is too good for you at this point. We’re going for quantity not quality.

Virgo

Earth has entered a black hole. I was going to write something about connecting with your family, but odds are the pressure of the black hole has obliterated them. Sorry bro.

Libra

Personal achievement will be the driving motivation of many accomplishments this year. Not for you though. I was talking about other people. You’ll keep procrastinating on work, pulling all-nighters, and complaining about riding the struggle bus. I hope the struggle bus drives off an unfinished highway like in the movie "Speed," but Keanu Reeves won’t be there to land it safely. This is your fault.

Scorpio

Scorpio, sit tight for a second –– Capricorn. Get out now –– Jesus Christ. OK, so Scorpio, you have the opportunity to begin building a great future, rich in financial security and lasting health. But it’s not all about you, OK? There’s a massive proxy war being fought in Syria, racial and social unrest in our country, and an unstable economy threatening to shift the global balance of powers. How about you get off your ass for once and help your community? For Christ’s sake, Scorpio.

Sagittarius

Your life won’t be affected very drastically. Your relationships with friends and family will go unchanged. Your work life might even improve. But every time you turn on the TV you’ll see tons of those depressing Animal Abuse commercials with Sarah McLachlan and you won’t be able to change the channel. Sucks to be you.