To non-vegans, there really only exists one stereotype: a weak, preachy, judgmental creature who munches on romaine lettuce all day. Vegans, however, have a much more nuanced understanding of the diversity within the cruelty-free community. Despite this diversity, every vegan knows a few who conform to predictable vegan behaviors—The Vegan Who Eats Honey, The Vegan Who Hates Other Vegans Who Eat Honey, The Junk Food Vegan, The Whole Foods Vegan, and so on.
If the teens of North Shore High were to transition to vegan, which stereotype would they conform to?
Cady Heron
Cady would be The Vegan For The Animals. She became vegan at age 11—it was October third—when she met an elephant in Africa. She’s generally discreet about her veganism. In fact, you might not even notice she’s vegan at all; you simply notice her “exotic” food choices: the Chana-whatever at lunch, that tofu scramble at brunch, or the Vietnamese banh-something sandwich she ordered before the Ladysmith Black Mambazo concert. While her food choices are varied and cultured, she does not stay up-to-date on new vegan products; she once thought Gardein was one of the Spice Girls. However, she’s not completely oblivious to the positive effect that her vegan diet has on her physique. When others comment on her slamming bod, she responds, “I know, right?” and pointedly credits the Misir Wot on the plate in front of her.
Gretchen Weiners
Gretchen would be The Vegan Who Really Wants Veganism To Be Cool. At every possible chance, she tries to prove to the omnivores just how fetch meatless can be. She frequently namedrops famous vegans, reminding her classmates that Ariana Grande, Liam Hemsworth, and Ellen Page say no to pollo, and she regularly posts the latest vegan quotes from Russell Simmons on her Facebook page. She refers to vegan chefs by their first name, and she Instagrams all her food from “Chloe’s trendy new restaurant in NYC” or “Rich’s must-try spot in Philly.” She has strong opinions about food trends: avocado toast is a yes, but the comeback of Caesar salad is a NO. What’s so great about Caesar salad?! Greek salad is just as timeless as Caesar salad, right? People totally like Greek salad just as much as they like Caesar!
Oh, and don’t mention her father’s Toaster Strudel business to her—it’s a sore spot.
Karen Smith
Karen would be The Spiritual Vegan. She refers to veganism as her “religion,” and she cites karma and chakras as her motivation. She’s into all type of classic vegan activities: yoga, eating copious amounts of alfalfa sprouts and granola, visiting animal sanctuaries, making apple cider vinegar tonics, foraging for wild mushrooms, and volunteering at animal shelters. She is frequently mislabeled as stupid, when in reality, she is deeply in tune with the cosmic world around her. In fact, she has a fifth sense, and her breasts can tell when an animal is crying. On Wednesdays, she wears pink to raise awareness for the endangerment of Pacific salmon.
Regina George
Regina would be The Vegan Obsessed With Trendy Superfoods. Desperate to lose those three pounds and have flawless skin, she falls for any article claiming that $200 juice cleanses will transform her body or acai bowls will give her an effortless glow. She is known for asking questions like, “Is rice an ancient grain?” or “Are cherries an antioxidant?” Regina can be found drinking smoothies with hemp seeds, dropping serious cash on obscure ingredients like goji berries, and informing her friends about the magical properties of quinoa, which she read in some ‘Cosmo’ article. Regina obviously has a personal chef and owns the same “KALE” sweatshirt as Beyoncé, which she likes to wear with army pants and flip flops.
Janis Ian
Janis is The Vegan Who Loves Animals And Hates People. The constant swirl of animal cruelty around her has turned her into a bitter and cynical activist, so she has no problem proclaiming you a murderer when you ask the waiter for Chicken Kiev. Angry with all the meat-eaters (and the “faux-vegans” like Regina), she often orchestrates methods of sabotage to teach omnis a lesson, frequently recruiting help from Cady, whom she believes is too passive in her efforts. She and Regina used to be friends, but Regina ousted her from her eighth grade pool party when Janis became weirdly obsessed with what food would be served. Following this friendship fallout, Janis wears all black to mourn the thousands of animals that die every day, and she vows to one day crack the lock on the meat industry’s whole dirty history.
Damian Leigh
Damian would be The Vegan Police. His love of gossip means he’s always lurking nearby, so he’s the first to know if your Whole Foods bag is full of secrets. He’s highly suspicious of Karen, considering she can’t even spell orange. (How is she supposed to decode a lengthy ingredients list to check for honey or casein if she’s seemingly illiterate?) An entire twenty minutes of his day is spent reading nutrition labels, and Janis sometimes says that he’s too vegan to function. He is an active member of the North Shore Vegan Committee, where he will frequently call out any pescatarians or vegetarians who crash the meetings because they “aren't even fully vegan.”
