People who have never experienced abuse or any trauma will think this is all for attention. If you are one of those people, fuck off.
Now for all of you who have a heart and need to know you're not alone, hey. I'm Maggie and I'm 21 years old. From a young age I have always had the feeling of being out of control. My parents divorced at a young age and I never felt like there was any stability in my life. I then got myself into a relationship very early to fill the void and forget the pain of what I was going through at home. Any and all relationships have issues, it's just a part of life but not all relationships need to be toxic and abusive but unfortunately this one was. Now I won't go into details and explain every little thing that happened because honestly going back to that time is not something that is easy for me. What I will say is throughout those 7 years of being knocked down, out of control and played with I learned to deal with what I was handed and take it everyday.
Fast forward 3 years and here I am now. I'm a Junior at the University of Florida 1100 miles away from my home, my family and my past. Time here has been amazing. I've had my ups and I've definitely had my downs but every since I left NYS I have finally felt alive again. Man was I wrong. The puppet strings are still attached and the trauma has not left. I walk around paranoid, worried, afraid. I wonder what everyone is saying about me and if they think i'm as useless as you did. Every guy that comes into my life I push out. Terrified of being touched, loved, hugged. Thinking everyone's going to leave, cheat, lie and abuse. I've ruined countless relationships thinking everyone's going to be you in disguise.
I met a guy. A really amazing guy. A guy that you know could light up a room by walking into it. His eyes are bright and his smile is miles long. He's a funny guy, the kind of guy you call when you're down and just need a laugh knowing he can provide without even trying. I was scared to let him in, let him see the strings that were still attached to me from you. He thought I was amazing. Beautiful, funny and wanted to make something of us. I was terrified but i gave him a chance. I never let him in. The biggest mistake I ever made. Although I still have those strings attached I know I am not that girl, but sometimes my fear can come out in the worst ways. It is hard to explain to a person who doesn't know anything about abuse just why things happen the way they do and suddenly that person runs, they escape just like you tried to. Reality is you're still the same girl they fell for, the girl they first met and the girl they saw a future with and potential in. But to them, all of that it's hard to believe when they see a demon someone planted inside of you that is so hard to kill.
Yeah maybe I need some extra support, maybe I just take a little extra to love. Nothings wrong with that. I love more because I know what it feels like to not be loved. I know what it feels like to crave love. The right person will love your pieces no matter where they need to go to find them.
I left New York trying to escape you, escape the feeling you gave me, escape the abuse and most of all escape the girl I became after it was all over. Fact of the matter is I never escaped any of it. It carries around on my shoulders everyday but fuck that, fuck you and fuck feeling like this. I'm cutting those cords and taking away all the power you have over me. I'm done letting you win and letting you control what should be my life and my heart. I’m taking my life back and thank god there’s nothing you can do about it.
