Marvel’s Film Interpretation Of “Civil War” Isn’t So Marvelous

Marvel’s Film Interpretation Of “Civil War” Isn’t So Marvelous

Not saying it’s bad, but “Captain America: Civil War” wasn't exactly great.
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Firing up my Twitter account a few days ago, I read that “Captain America: Civil War” is nominated for an Academy Award, specifically for the best movie of all time (not really). Merits upon which the film is considered for this prestigious award? It’s beyond reproach and it’s everything a DCEU film isn’t. It’s a gift straight from the geek gods and to think less of it in any way is an affront to these deities. The only thing left to do, in an effort to appease these authorities, is nothing less than cutting off my manhood and feeding it to a goat.

However, it does strike me as unfair that critics and fans alike are turning a blind eye to Marvel Films’ missteps. With the exception of the abhorrent MCU monster (Iron Man 3) whose name should never be uttered in civilized company, most films have been incredibly entertaining. However, in an effort to offer a criticism of what is considered to be their best film yet, I’m turning an eye towards “Captain America: Civil War,” a film that I enjoyed, but took severe issue with nevertheless.

Airport battle was underwhelming

Without a doubt, I was entertained by the airport battle in "Civil War," but I still found the entire confrontation to be forgettable and surely not as astounding as everyone and their grandmother would have me believe. A minimum effort was exerted to apprehend, thus the stakes never seemed that steep. And all the snarky dialogue dispensed by practically everyone at every opportunity (an MCU staple) provoked more than a few eye-rolls. I get it, it’s a fictional comic book film, but it disappointingly failed to inspire or emotionally engage me.

Forget not the engagement’s highlights: Ant-Man and Spider-Man. As much as I loved Paul Rudd in the Ant-Man solo film, I thought his scenes were cringeworthy at best, something attributable to piss-poor writing and directing. Spider-Man’s inclusion in the film was one of the films’ (not) well-kept secrets, and it was rushed. I know why it went down the way it did, but his presence was poorly handled. Seriously, what was Mr. Stank thinking? Endangering a teenager without the consent of his guardian and very likely transporting him out of country illegally when their entire beef with Team Cap is that they won’t follow the law?

Steve Rogers isn't that strong

I was all about this battle. Stark’s fury was palpable (kudos, RDJ). Watching that 2-on-1 fight unfold throughout a primarily forgotten soviet facility gave me goose bumps. However, Cap shouldn’t have been able to damage the Iron-Man armor, not even armed with a vibranium shield. The super soldier might be strong, but not that strong. In earlier films Stark’s armor withstood greater hits than what even a person in peak human physical strength should be capable of dishing out. I just couldn't buy it. Sorry, not sorry.

And what's the deal with Stark's A.I. Friday prompting to analyze Cap's fighting style at the last second? Seriously, that's something a genuine genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist would have done from the start, not after his behind has been practically handed to him on a silver platter.

Zemo was a lackluster villain

Having lost his family in the events depicted in “Avengers: Age of Ultron,” Zemo’s motivations are understandable. However, the incident that claimed Zemo’s family took place a year prior, according to the MCU in-film chronology, so we’re to accept that Zemo’s plan went off without a hitch despite having only a year to prepare and execute it? He may not have been as poorly handled as the Mandarin in “Iron Man 3,” but he’s nothing to write home about. Also, his significance in Marvel lore looks to be completely rewritten from the source comic material, and this is another complaint I have with the film. Of course, if you’re not Loki, Marvel tends not to honor their villains.

Twilight is a better love story

Tell you what, when the love of my life passed away days prior, the last thing on my mind is playing suck-face with her niece. But this is what Marvel gives us, throwing together Sharon Carter and Steve Rogers for a wholly unnecessary and inappropriate kiss scene. Seriously, Peggy’s body was probably still warm. Sorry, Marvel, y’all dropped a ball on this one.

The list goes on...

What else could I possibly cite as evidence that this film is a step in the wrong direction? Overuse of the shaky-cam technique had me wondering if the cameraman consumed a few dozen shots of espresso too many. So many subplots mucked up an already condensed “Civil War” storyline that I doubt Stephen Hawking could make sense of what’s going on. So many plot holes the film, but I suppose plot holes can be allowed, since it's not a DC film we're talking about, after all.

Cover Image Credit: Bloody Disgusting

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A Letter To My Humans On Our Last Day Together

We never thought this day would come.
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I didn't sleep much last night after I saw your tears. I would have gotten up to snuggle you, but I am just too weak. We both know my time with you is coming close to its end, and I just can't believe it how fast it has happened.

I remember the first time I saw you like it was yesterday.

You guys were squealing and jumping all around, because you were going home with a new dog. Dad, I can still feel your strong hands lifting me from the crate where the rest of my puppy brothers and sisters were snuggled around my warm, comforting puppy Momma. You held me up so that my chunky belly and floppy wrinkles squished my face together, and looked me right in the eyes, grinning, “She's the one."

I was so nervous on the way to my new home, I really didn't know what to expect.

But now, 12 years later as I sit in the sun on the front porch, trying to keep my wise, old eyes open, I am so grateful for you. We have been through it all together.

Twelve “First Days of School." Losing your first teeth. Watching Mom hang great tests on the refrigerator. Letting you guys use my fur as a tissue for your tears. Sneaking Halloween candy from your pillowcases.

Keeping quiet while Santa put your gifts under the tree each year. Never telling Mom and Dad when everyone started sneaking around. Being at the door to greet you no matter how long you were gone. Getting to be in senior pictures. Waking you up with big, sloppy kisses despite the sun not even being up.

Always going to the basement first, to make sure there wasn't anything scary. Catching your first fish. First dates. Every birthday. Prom pictures. Happily watching dad as he taught the boys how to throw every kind of ball. Chasing the sticks you threw, even though it got harder over the years.

Cuddling every time any of you weren't feeling well. Running in the sprinkler all summer long. Claiming the title “Shotgun Rider" when you guys finally learned how to drive. Watching you cry in mom and dads arms before your graduation. Feeling lost every time you went on vacation without me.

Witnessing the awkward years that you magically all overcame. Hearing my siblings learn to read. Comforting you when you lost grandma and grandpa. Listening to your phone conversations. Celebrating new jobs. Licking your scraped knees when you would fall.

Hearing your shower singing. Sidewalk chalk and bubbles in the sun. New pets. Family reunions. Sleepovers. Watching you wave goodbye to me as the jam-packed car sped up the driveway to drop you off at college. So many memories in what feels like so little time.

When the time comes today, we will all be crying. We won't want to say goodbye. My eyes might look glossy, but just know that I feel your love and I see you hugging each other. I love that, I love when we are all together.

I want you to remember the times we shared, every milestone that I got to be a part of.

I won't be waiting for you at the door anymore and my fur will slowly stop covering your clothes. It will be different, and the house will feel empty. But I will be there in spirit.

No matter how bad of a game you played, how terrible your work day was, how ugly your outfit is, how bad you smell, how much money you have, I could go on; I will always love you just the way you are. You cared for me and I cared for you. We are companions, partners in crime.

To you, I was simply a part of your life, but to me, you were my entire life.

Thank you for letting me grow up with you.

Love always,

Your family dog

Cover Image Credit: Kaitlin Murray

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If You Notice You Say 'Could've,' 'Should've,' or 'I Want To,' You Might Need To Change How You Live Your Life

Do you notice you say these phrases more than five times a day?

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If that answer was a yes! Then you might "want to" read this!

Since being in college I have noticed and picked up on myself saying these phrases often over the course of my week. Generally, it usually the suspects of this thinking come from my social and academic life either in the past, present, and future.

In the past, I regret doing a lot of things in my life from not being involved enough in high school, not going out for activities and hobbies that I was interested in, not making enough money, and not using my time usefully. Academically I and everyone else wishes that they tried harder, take more AP and dual enrollment classes so time here at college could have been a little less stressful.

Currently, you might be angry about the way the previous semester went with your GPA, maybe you didn't do as well on your test because you decided to hang out with your friends, or you contemplate going to an SI session even though you know it would be good for you but you have other homework to work on.

Looking into the future you maybe were wishing to hang out with your friends, or you are obligated to go to something while another event was going on that you actually wanted to go to, or finally not getting invited to something and feeling really bad about yourself.

Yes, there is hope for these problems!

What has happened in the past has happened and you can not regret those decisions. You see perspective is the biggest thing in these situations it is the way you look at things that will determine how you feel about them. Now, that you know you can't change the past and only learn from the past, do their mistakes change your perspectives? However, there should be no excuses when it comes to the present and resurfacing those mistakes you made in the past that are coming up again.

(Sorry if that came off rude, but it's the truth.)

If you admittedly have made those mistakes in the past, don't bring them into your current life, leave them behind you. Finally, actively make a decision in the future that is maybe different and out of your comfort zone, or something you have always wanted to do. No more "what if's" or "I want to" by planning ahead of time you finally get to dictate and be happy :)

With a different perspective, everything can change!

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