Firing up my Twitter account a few days ago, I read that “Captain America: Civil War” is nominated for an Academy Award, specifically for the best movie of all time (not really). Merits upon which the film is considered for this prestigious award? It’s beyond reproach and it’s everything a DCEU film isn’t. It’s a gift straight from the geek gods and to think less of it in any way is an affront to these deities. The only thing left to do, in an effort to appease these authorities, is nothing less than cutting off my manhood and feeding it to a goat.
However, it does strike me as unfair that critics and fans alike are turning a blind eye to Marvel Films’ missteps. With the exception of the abhorrent MCU monster (Iron Man 3) whose name should never be uttered in civilized company, most films have been incredibly entertaining. However, in an effort to offer a criticism of what is considered to be their best film yet, I’m turning an eye towards “Captain America: Civil War,” a film that I enjoyed, but took severe issue with nevertheless.
Airport battle was underwhelming
Without a doubt, I was entertained by the airport battle in "Civil War," but I still found the entire confrontation to be forgettable and surely not as astounding as everyone and their grandmother would have me believe. A minimum effort was exerted to apprehend, thus the stakes never seemed that steep. And all the snarky dialogue dispensed by practically everyone at every opportunity (an MCU staple) provoked more than a few eye-rolls. I get it, it’s a fictional comic book film, but it disappointingly failed to inspire or emotionally engage me.
Forget not the engagement’s highlights: Ant-Man and Spider-Man. As much as I loved Paul Rudd in the Ant-Man solo film, I thought his scenes were cringeworthy at best, something attributable to piss-poor writing and directing. Spider-Man’s inclusion in the film was one of the films’ (not) well-kept secrets, and it was rushed. I know why it went down the way it did, but his presence was poorly handled. Seriously, what was Mr. Stank thinking? Endangering a teenager without the consent of his guardian and very likely transporting him out of country illegally when their entire beef with Team Cap is that they won’t follow the law?
Steve Rogers isn't that strong
I was all about this battle. Stark’s fury was palpable (kudos, RDJ). Watching that 2-on-1 fight unfold throughout a primarily forgotten soviet facility gave me goose bumps. However, Cap shouldn’t have been able to damage the Iron-Man armor, not even armed with a vibranium shield. The super soldier might be strong, but not that strong. In earlier films Stark’s armor withstood greater hits than what even a person in peak human physical strength should be capable of dishing out. I just couldn't buy it. Sorry, not sorry.
And what's the deal with Stark's A.I. Friday prompting to analyze Cap's fighting style at the last second? Seriously, that's something a genuine genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist would have done from the start, not after his behind has been practically handed to him on a silver platter.
Zemo was a lackluster villain
Having lost his family in the events depicted in “Avengers: Age of Ultron,” Zemo’s motivations are understandable. However, the incident that claimed Zemo’s family took place a year prior, according to the MCU in-film chronology, so we’re to accept that Zemo’s plan went off without a hitch despite having only a year to prepare and execute it? He may not have been as poorly handled as the Mandarin in “Iron Man 3,” but he’s nothing to write home about. Also, his significance in Marvel lore looks to be completely rewritten from the source comic material, and this is another complaint I have with the film. Of course, if you’re not Loki, Marvel tends not to honor their villains.
Twilight is a better love story
Tell you what, when the love of my life passed away days prior, the last thing on my mind is playing suck-face with her niece. But this is what Marvel gives us, throwing together Sharon Carter and Steve Rogers for a wholly unnecessary and inappropriate kiss scene. Seriously, Peggy’s body was probably still warm. Sorry, Marvel, y’all dropped a ball on this one.
The list goes on...
What else could I possibly cite as evidence that this film is a step in the wrong direction? Overuse of the shaky-cam technique had me wondering if the cameraman consumed a few dozen shots of espresso too many. So many subplots mucked up an already condensed “Civil War” storyline that I doubt Stephen Hawking could make sense of what’s going on. So many plot holes the film, but I suppose plot holes can be allowed, since it's not a DC film we're talking about, after all.