Letter to dad

A Letter To The Man Who Gave Me More Than Just Genetics

Our lives just aren't aligning to where we have a lot to talk about, but I know the love is always there.

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Dad,

Right now you're downstairs, preparing for your journey to North Dakota for a year, completely unaware I'm writing this to you.

I want to take some time to tell you things I haven't said before or haven't said recently. First, I love you. I always have and I always will. You'll forever be my hero, no matter how distant I am from you. Second, I'm sorry we aren't as close as we used to be. I used to be a daddy's girl, but we both know that's changed.

We don't talk every day like mom and I, but I still know you're always there if I need you. It's been a hectic year for both of us. With me graduating and moving to college and with you getting ready to move away for a bit, we've grown distracted and busy, not leaving much time for each other.

When I'm home I spend most of my time with friends or with mom and I know you wish it were with you. I'm sorry I'm not there all the time and I'm sorry I schedule my time with others before I schedule time with you.

You have given so much to me, genetically and personality wise. You made me an avid lover of 80's music, you introduced me to my favorite types of video games to play, and you've taught me countless life lessons I will carry with me forever.

Just because we aren't as close as we used to be doesn't mean anything. Just like old friends, sometimes they grow distant before they grow closer than ever before. Our lives just aren't aligning to where we have a lot to talk about, but I know the love is always there.

I know you don't like some of the things I do. You don't like that I want to get a tattoo, or that I'm planning on getting even more ear piercings. You don't appreciate that I'm not very involved in politics, and sometimes you don't like the music I play. But that's all okay, nobody is going to love everything I do, but I know you will always love me.

I'm going to miss you while you're gone. It's going to be weird coming home for Christmas knowing you're in North Dakota with my brother, supporting the family back home. Things won't be the same, but I know we'll be okay. I'll still call you to check in or when I need another piece of advice about something going on in my life.

Thank you for teaching me life lessons I couldn't have learned from anyone else. Thank you for the endless Netflix suggestions that I have yet to watch. Thank you for providing for me. Thank you for being you. I love you.

I can't wait to go to Canada for five minutes when I come to visit you.

Much love,

Your Princess.

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To The Dad Who Didn't Want Me, It's Mutual Now

Thank you for leaving me because I am happy.
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Thank you, for leaving me.

Thank you, for leaving me when I was little.

Thank you, for not putting me through the pain of watching you leave.

Thank you, for leaving me with the best mother a daughter could ask for.

I no longer resent you. I no longer feel anger towards you. I wondered for so long who I was. I thought that because I didn't know half of my blood that I was somehow missing something. I thought that who you were defined me. I was wrong. I am my own person. I am strong and capable and you have nothing to do with that. So thank you for leaving me.

In my most vulnerable of times, I struggled with the fact that you didn't want me. You could have watched me grow into the person that I have become, but you didn't. You had a choice to be in my life. I thought that the fact that my own father didn't want me spoke to my own worth. I was wrong. I am so worthy. I am deserving, and you have nothing to do with that. So thank you for leaving me.

You have missed so much. From my first dance to my first day of college, and you'll continue to miss everything. You won't see me graduate, you won't walk me down the aisle, and you won't get to see me follow my dreams. You'll never get that back, but I don't care anymore. What I have been through, and the struggles that I have faced have brought me to where I am today, and I can't complain. I go to a beautiful school, I have the best of friends, I have an amazing family, and that's all I really need.

Whoever you are, I hope you read this. I hope you understand that you have missed out on one of the best opportunities in your life. I could've been your daughter. I could have been your little girl. Now I am neither, nor will I ever be.

So thank you for leaving me because I am happy. I understand my self-worth, and I understand that you don't define me. You have made me stronger. You have helped make me who I am without even knowing it.

So, thank you for leaving me.

Cover Image Credit: Pexels

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30 Things That Happen To The Kids Without Parents

Last-minute realizations, avoidable experiences, and questions you just shouldn't ask people

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I could summarize this entire post in one simple sentence and call it a day. I could choose to deal with my own problems and ignore others' because they don't affect me. I could gloss over the subject and pretend none of it is real. But that wouldn't be fair, mature, or loving of myself or others.

So with that, I don't think there's anything truer I can say besides I know what it's like.

I had little to no interaction with my parents. I lived with my maternal aunt and grandmother and hadn't a clue why. The confusion probably hurt me more than knowing ever would've. Obviously, there are things you just don't tell children. You'll spoil their innocence. Or, they'll understand when they're older. But for kids without parents, it's almost impossible to get it through their heads not to mature so quickly (before it's socially "time"). It's like telling the sun not to rise tomorrow. You just can't.

But I digress. I give a snapshot of my hidden experiences here with the hopes that I help...comfort...give love to someone else. Just letting y'all out there know you're not alone.

1. My entire second grade class asked me where my dad was after I said he "was" something.

I was also the new kid in town at that time. Nice.

2. My third grade teacher excluded me from Mother's Day arts and crafts because she knew I didn't have a mom.

3. A boy in my class asked if I was a robot because I had no parents. Also Batman (how would that work???).

4. Another boy (same class) asked, "Is your dad dead?" in front of the whole class on Father's Day. 

5. When my mom wasn't my chaperone for the Mommy Daughter Dance, a girl noticed and told me I shouldn't have bothered coming.

6. I never saw their faces in the audience at any of my choral concerts growing up.

7. My junior high advisor mentioned it was abnormal that I wasn't living with my parents.

8. An ex-boyfriend told me it was no wonder I was so problematic.

(What with being an "orphan" and all. You know, the usual).

9. I graduated high school with no one in the bleachers cheering for me. 

10. I got looks for bringing my only picture of my parents and I to my graduation ceremony.

11. They didn't get to congratulate me on my first job.

Or the next. Or the next...

12. I never got to tell them I got accepted to my dream college.

13. My mom and I were supposed to get matching tattoos.

14. My parents will never know I left that toxic boyfriend they worried about.

15. I look at drugs, alcohol, and addictions from a completely different angle than other kids my age.

16. I grew up never knowing what true love was.

17. I never got to have "mother-daughter gossip."

18. I never had a male role model in my life.

19. My mom never got to meet my best friends. Just some good-for-nothing boy that broke my heart.

20. I grew up cold toward tragedy. Grieving is hard now. Things just seem to happen.

21. I see parents with their college students now and it never fails to break my heart.

22. I won't have my dad to walk me down the aisle.

23. I won't have my mom to do any girl bonding with.

24. The last image I have of them is the most haunting.

25. I rethink our last conversations all the time and speculate.

26. I see their auras in the world around me. Sometimes it's freaky.

27. I have dreams about them all the time.

Sometimes good. Sometimes bad.

28. I never get to tell them I love them, or hear their voices, or see their faces.

29. My parents will never be grandparents or in-laws.

30. I still have not completed my grieving process. Even after all these years.

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