We all experience despair, bitterness and sometimes even regret when someone we love breaks our heart— it's inevitable. But it's even crazier to try to glue the pieces of your heart back together when that person was the one you trusted more than anyone: your best friend, confidant, and potential soulmate. And it's the craziest when this process happens over and over again: with new people, new lies, and frankly, new bullshit. I've been through heartbreak quite a few times, and while I'd like to say that "it gets easier every time", that's not true at all. For some, it gets harder each time, taking the cracks in our hearts and just breaking them a bit more. I'm not here to fool you or to censor anything, so here's a look at my life and a letter that I will never send: to the man who broke my heart.

Dear Stranger,

In case you've forgotten, we met a little under a year ago at that stupid cafe in Babylon. But there was something special about that cafe; it was the fact that I couldn't take my eyes off you. From the second I met you, I always felt like it was us against the world... like we were unstoppable. It never mattered where we were or who was around because I was in your presence and that was always enough.

I guess you could say you felt the same about me too. I never saw someone fall so hard for me as quickly as you did. You opened up to me in a matter of two weeks: telling me all about your family, your goals in life, what you wanted your future to be like, and how you always wanted me by your side. Our love bloomed like a flower on a summer's day. But as they say, "The hottest love has the coldest end."

We did everything together. I showed you everything inside of "my own little world" and you showed me your favorite tv shows, your hometown, and even your family photo album. I felt like I knew so much about you. I was confident you were reliable, and that I could predict your every move. And to me, that wasn't boring after living a life of such vulnerability and uncertainty.

We were "official" within four weeks of meeting each other. Everything moved quickly, but it never felt rushed.. like all of this was supposed to happen somehow. And after some time passed, we began talking about our futures together. You told me you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me. As you said, "The chemistry is insane. I've never felt like this about a girl." You said you would always be there for me, through thick and thin, no matter what. That nothing would tear us apart. You even said I was the love of your life.

I was happy. And no, not "happy" like the feeling you get when you receive an A on a test or when you win $20 on a scratch-off lottery ticket or when you're able to sleep in late on a day off. I was thrilled, ecstatic, and felt like I had found a sanctuary in this world that can strip you down to nothing. No word in the English language could describe my genuine happiness.

But that was the one thing that freaked me out.

This took a toll on me more than I'd like to admit. I was so scared to truly love because I always believed I would get abandoned; I believed it so much that I let it happen. For my whole life, I was always convinced that I didn't deserve true love. I created insecurity when there shouldn't have been any: picking fights, creating guilt, you name it, and there's a good chance I have done it. I pushed you away.

The good news is that I got my act together when we were still together. I promised that I wasn't going to let history repeat itself with you, and I intended on keeping that promise. The bad news was that it was too late. You left me. But at the time, I couldn't blame you. After the damage I've caused, I wouldn't want to be with me either. But I was working on myself. For once in my life, I began to feel like I had my life together. I finally reached a point where I could say I loved myself and accepted myself for who I am. So I did what any person would do when they truly love someone: I fought for you. You were in my heart every damn day and you were the one thing that had been consistent in my life. I just couldn't walk away from you after feeling like I had sabotaged yet another relationship.

So, we tried again, only to get told that you aren't ready for a relationship. But you told me you wouldn't leave me again. You said, "I can't bear to break your heart a second time." Some would think I'm crazy, or even stupid, for giving someone another chance after breaking up with me the first time. But that's what love does to you, I guess. Of everything I've let go of, you're the one thing that I could never forget.

And if that wasn't hard enough, you were a roller coaster of emotions saying things like, "I still love you," "You need to move on," "I never said that we couldn't work out in the future," and "I don't want you waiting around for me." All contradictory statements, but all things you've told me in such a short period of time. It was sickening. I couldn't take it anymore, playing me like I'm some kind of toy. However, I would never paint you as the villain. You were my inspiration to work on my issues and to accomplish all I want in this life; you taught me to be the woman I'm meant to be. I said that I would always wish you the best. And when I say the words "forever" or "always" I actually mean them, unlike you who only says them when it's convenient. But that's okay; we are just at two different points in our lives right now. You're not ready to commit, and I can't wait. You will look for me in every girl and wonder why you're not happy.

I have now blocked your number and I'm not looking back. I hope you find a girl who loves you as much as I did. But I have found the truest happiness of all: happiness in myself. Motivation to do better, look better and be better.

Never Again To Be Yours,

Friend A.