To the man who chose addiction over our child,
She just turned two in December, and you've barely seen her in the last year. You missed out on a lot in just the last month, let alone the last year. Each passing day her curls get longer, her vocabulary gets larger and her attitude gets sassier. She climbs and runs and jumps and rolls. I've never met a more adventurous child than the one we created together; the one I now raise alone.
Some people don't understand my decision to leave. "Addiction is a disease, why didn't you just help him?". I don't disagree with them saying addiction is a disease. I want to believe that you didn't want to leave me a single mother. I need to believe that you do really, truly love our daughter and want a relationship with her. Somewhere, deep down, I hope you want to stop. A part of me may always feel guilty for making the call to end our family for good. It breaks my heart to know at the end of the day, I called it quits. But at the end of the day, how could I raise that innocent baby girl to the pain and suffering I was going through? I still suffer through your addiction with you, but now I am just a silent victim.
You no longer hear my please begging you to get clean and sober for her, for us. You no longer hear my cries asking you to just come home. You no longer hear the sound of your cell phone blowing up because I'm wondering where you have gone. But I still suffer. I can't sleep at night without the darkness creeping inside. The voices in my head asking if tomorrow will be the day I get the dreaded phone call. How will I ever be able to explain this to my child? How do you tell a child that she is enough? If you don't make it home or even to the next day, I'm the one who has to look that beautiful girl in the eyes and tell her that Daddy chose drugs.
She no longer cries for you at the door. She no longer asks me about you. A part of me is broken because our child doesn't need you. A part of me wonders if maybe she stopped because you never showed up. I know she misses her Daddy. I just don't see how you don't miss her too.
One day, I pray you'll wake up, get clean and stay clean before it's too late. Until that day, I will hold onto the innocent child we created, and hope for just a bit longer that she shall remain innocent.
Love Always,
A heartbroken mother.
