The issue I will be attempting to discuss in this article is precisely the same issue that prevents me from knowing where to begin.

I have too many thoughts buzzing in my brain to condense into words and letters grouped together to form meaning. I have too many things I need to say, and so little time and space in which to say them; for fear of sounding verbose I allow these thoughts to remain caged and ruminating in my head until at last they gain so much velocity that they burst forth all at once, making me sound like the rambling, inarticulate fool that I’d initially fought so hard against. It’s a vicious cycle. I blame you, ambition.

I have a depth of ambition, or so I’ve been told, and I think that in my eighteen years, I’ve only just scratched the surface. What a grand and terrifying concept. The innate desire for something bigger than oneself—for power, for change, for discovery, to leave behind a legacy—is something that I’d argue lies in each of us, to varying extents. But for the population of those for whom ambition gets them up in the morning and motivates their thoughts and actions, it can be a Catch-22 of sorts.

There are some days that I lie in bed, crushed by the weight of possibility. We are taught from birth that we can “do anything we set our minds to”. That is an infinite idea, and one that often leaves me questioning whether I am doing enough to advance society. I look around and I see greatness in my peers: Malala Yousafzai, whose name has become synonymous with the Nobel Peace Prize and overcoming hardship to become an active voice in the fight for women’s education in Pakistan; Emma Watson and her feminist speech (which has received over 7 million views on YouTube) at the United Nations introducing the HeForShe Campaign; young women like Amandla Stenberg and Zendaya who use their platform of fame to speak out against rampant cultural appropriation in Hollywood; and Sarah Clements, who graduated from my high school just a year ahead of me, making a name for herself as one of the young, passionate activists leading the movement for gun reform legislation in our country. Seeing what these women of my generation are accomplishing is an inspiration, but also a constant reminder that there is more work to be done. Work that I, personally, feel obligated to.

I never feel that I am doing enough.

Now, my logical brain knows that the hard work of others should not serve to make me feel worse about my own choices, whether that is choosing to hit snooze several more times, going to a party, or binge-watching Netflix for a whole day. But the less logical part of me is also super competitive. A healthy sense of competition drives me. And when I have spent a day doing nothing, there is no loss I feel more profoundly than that of “lost” time. And never am I more disappointed in myself than I am after a day wasted. I’ve realized that my ambition, my infatuation with saving the world, is often at odds with my ability to live the kind of simple, happy life that I also crave with equal verve. How does a girl like me hope to ever have both?

I hope that the paradox I’ve been long-windedly describing is at least resonating with some part of you, dear reader. This is not in any way to shame you for wanting to party or watch Netflix, or to make you feel bad about living your life in a way that brings you happiness. In fact, if you don’t have any idea what I’m saying when I talk about the crushing weight of life’s possibilities, I envy you. If you are reading this, however, and do understand my dilemma, you should still not feel guilty for not being polished to perfection yet. Be a work in progress. Watch Netflix, be with your friends, allow yourself to figure out who you are, and all that adolescent stuff. We are growing up in a time of unprecedented expectation. Anyone who has applied to college recently knows what I’m talking about. Young people today are, in the eyes of major universities, supposed to be undefeated in athletics, writing the next great American novel, playing in Carnegie Hall, and working as a volunteer at an animal shelter/soup kitchen/retirement home--all while making straight As in all AP courses and having a job in order to make enough money to even hope to pay for the school of their dreams. This is the new standard. To the kids who can do it all and still retain their sanity, kudos to you. But for me, high school was a time of unprecedented stress and stunted confidence. Now in college, I am thankfully finding myself by doing what I love with people who embrace me for me. Our society,however, has an unfortunate obsession with an unobtainable ideal of perfection. It’s not enough to just do everything. Nowadays, one has to excel at everything they do.

Everything we are dealing with during this crucial time has an overwhelming sense of duality. Our age leaves us on the cusp between child and adult, dependence and autonomy. We are torn between the hypocritical standards of older generations: coping with the insane magnitude of their expectations and then not being taken seriously in our efforts to make a tangible difference. If you’re anything like me, you’re also torn between two paths: the path of ambition, of creating change in the world, of never being satisfied, and the path of leading a simple, happy life where your loved ones are enough to leave you feeling fulfilled. It feels impossible to have both. And perhaps what we need here is not a more-is-more mindset, but some good old fashioned compromise. I’ve always believed that an individual can shape their future. It may not be perfect, and there may be surprises along the way, but we have a say in how we lead our lives. And, call me ambitious, but I’ll be darned if I can’t have it all, whatever form that may take. All you can do is begin…