On January 7th, I turned 21 wearing a pair of sparkly high heels and a teal jumpsuit. At some point during my birthday bash, a dear friend pulled me aside. He wanted to talk about what I was wearing. "Gina, I'm so glad that this is the outfit you decided to turn 21 in. It's just so you."
I've been thinking about my body a lot lately. I've been thinking about how much my body weighs. What my body looks like in a certain pair of jeans. What my body looks like beneath heavy, knit sweaters. What my body looks like inside shiny, teal, one-piece numbers.
My body is not my friend. My body is the girl with too much body. My body is a stranger I do not know enough about to love just yet. My body is an accident of science. My body is a spotty transit system. My body is snail mail.
No one else thinks about my body the way I think about my body. No one else talks about my body the way I talk about my body.
My friends compliment me for dressing my body well. My friends compliment me for rocking outfits anyone else might consider un-rockable.
And I don't listen.
I feel furious about the ways my thighs kiss. I am mad at myself for letting my sides slope across the top of my belts. I am devastated at the state of my expanding waist.
I negate every compliment I receive.
This has to change.
This semester, I want to get healthy. I want to participate in fitness classes. I want to drink water. I want to run through campus. I want to take up roller skating.
This semester, I want to talk better about my body. I want to accept compliments. I want to receive and believe them.
Maybe I am making a resolution this semester. Over the next 15 weeks, I am going to make friends with my body.
I'm not assigning myself a goal weight or depriving myself of good food. Instead, I'm wanting to respect my body enough to watch what I feed it, to stretch it and exercise it, to keep it running, both literally and metaphorically.
I am determined to make 21 look and feel good.
If you need me over the next four months, you can find me somewhere in Lincoln, Nebraska learning how to love my double chin while wearing a teal jumpsuit.
