"You're such a pushover." That is the phrase that has scarred me since I heard them leave the mouth of my so-called friend. I have always been fearful of offending someone or making mistakes that would displease other people. To the point where I changed my appearance, my speech, my attitudes and personalities, and even my opinions. I was criticized for my kindness and willingness to be there for others; I was called a fake, two-faced, and a fool for trying to make sure everyone was content. Until about three years ago, this was the way I lived my life.

I was a different a person in school than I was with my family, which was a different person than I was by myself or with my friends. There were times when I wanted to just pick one of the versions of myself, but as soon as I was put into a new situation or setting I immediately morphed. Nobody knew the war going on inside my head, and I knew that trying to explain it to my friends would be complicated. Instead, I dealt with it and focused on my friends' problems.

There was one time where I was on my way to crew practice and I hit traffic, making me late for practice. If you know the first thing about the sport of rowing, then you know that being late is the equivalent of not showing up at all. I was frustrated and really just wanted to go home, but pulled it together and managed to make it through the four hour practice. I sat in the middle of the boat that season, which meant I had three people behind me and five people in front of me. You can imagine the number of vent sessions I heard each day. That day, of course, was no different. I played therapist and started to become good at it. Masking my issues and putting others' first became instinctive.

Honestly, I didn't mind. It put my problems into perspective and helped me get over the petty ones. I liked knowing that I was making someone's day better and that they had someone to talk to. I appreciated that they were comfortable enough with me to share their most vulnerable and embarrassing moments. But there came a time when I realized that I was so busy trying to solve my friends' problems and fix their mistakes that I was becoming someone I couldn't identify with. I was dull. There I was watching my closest friends beginning to uncover their true selves, while failing to discover my own. I think it was at this point that I realized how truly lonely I was; I did not have real friends. I felt empty inside for a long time and was too scared to express myself in case I upset someone. It was just a cycle of wanting to open up but fearing what people would think of me if I did.

I share this story because I learned so many lessons. I was forced to realize that I, too, have emotions and am allowed to express them. Although I am still, in many ways, a therapist for my friends, they are always willing to reciprocate. Feeling like you are constantly being pulled in different directions to please people is tiring and unfair. Put yourself first. When you find the strength to walk away from the negativity of others' lives and immerse yourself in your own, that is when you truly find yourself. The lesson that has stuck with me the most is that it is okay to rely a little bit on others for your own happiness. Sometimes seeing other people happy is a great remedy for the blues. Still, putting it on your friends to keep you happy is unfair, not to mention unhealthy. Unleash the rawest form of yourself and stand up for who that person is. If people dislike who it is, you know that they don't belong in your life. Those are the people who can be toxic and bring you down. Those are the people who are unable to see your worth. Those are the people who will call you a pushover, a fool, fake, and soft. Those are the people who will tell you that you're heartless and self-centered when you put yourself before them. But the truth is, they are the heartless, self-centered, fake people who use you for your heart of gold. They will be your "friend" only when it is convenient for them. The most important thing is to embrace whoever you are and whatever personality you have. There are people who will love you for you, even at your worst. Instead of trying to appeal to people who don't (and won't) appreciate you, be friends with the people who don't make it a job to make them happy. It is so important to look at yourself, recognize how much better you deserve, and accept that you can't make everyone happy; you are only human.

Perhaps Ed Sheeran said it best: "I can't tell you the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everyone.