I’m aware of just how often I wax chaotic about this epidemic of entitlement that we seem to have found ourselves in but there’s just a bit more I feel has to be said. Regarding love and other nefarious distractions, there is a valuable lesson people ought to learn. This lesson will not only help you to become a better person, it will also add more substance to your life.

As you know, the large majority of people are not of the same make and model as the faces we see scattered across pages on newsstands. Frankly speaking, most people are ugly. The problem is, everybody, the Brad Pitts and the not-so-Brad-Pitt’s, all systematically entertain the thought that they deserve someone handsome or beautiful.

I’m not one to diminish a person striving to shoot for the stars but that person has to confront the reality that stars are few and far apart, despite the false proximity that a life lived on earth fools us into accepting. And the truth is that these stars probably won’t want you even if you get lucky enough to stumble into their solar systems. They’re far too busy hanging out with other stars in cool clubs you’ve never heard of doing lines of stardust in the bathroom.

I genuinely believe that self awareness is the greatest quality can have. To be an ugly person is one thing. Most people fall into that category. But to acknowledge one’s own ugliness and accept it is a gift no perfect jawline can match.

As someone who has consistently batted out of my league for years through nothing but dumb luck I can feel the imminent downward spiral throttling towards me from the future. But I welcome the dawn of this new age with open arms. Why should I have deprived the beautiful of their own for so long? How selfish am I? Not to suggest that I’m the elephant man or anything or that I’m asking for a pity party. In fact, my mom will testify to my young-handsome-man-ness if need be. All I’m saying is that streaks tend to be short lived and I’ve been running on empty for years.

In addition, as someone who has admittedly been the ‘is he your brother or something? Or rich?’ boyfriend to many beautiful individuals in my time, I can say with stuttering certainty that looks are in no way an indication of one’s sexual prowess. In fact, the many brave ugly men and women who have had no option but to take what they could get are probably your best bet for a good roll in the hay. While the beautiful were out having superficial no effort sex, the uglies were putting in their 10,000 hours giving their A game because they had poor DNA to compensate for.

If you think you’re better than sex with someone you deem ugly or below whatever worth you’ve given yourself then you’re just ugly on the inside and that’s something that can’t be made up for with knowing how to bring someone to an earth-shattering orgasm. So for your own sense of character and moral purpose I urge you to go out there and get down with the unattractive. Odds are they know how to have fun and can take a joke.

The fear we push to the side every day in order to function is that one day, god willing, we’ll all be old an unattractive and wrinkly and oblivious and nobody is going to want to touch us so we might as well get on with the idea now while we can still get weird with it. Strive to seek out the beauty in others, not in their appearances. You’ll be glad when someone does the same for your ugly mug.

That being said, I thank you for taking them off my hands and leaving more pretty people for me.