I woke up one Monday more in tears. No, it wasn’t because of a nightmare. It was because I realized how empty and numb I had become. We, the human species, have become so desensitized with the world- with ourselves. We are afraid to feel because we have been taught that feeling anything but happiness is bad. Yet, you see people, because of my job, tell me such horrible things, and yet story after story I see beauty as well. Beauty in how strong the person has been, how he fought with himself and put the gun down, how she looked in the mirror and for the first time in years instead of crying she smiled.

I got out of bed and saw myself in the mirror and realized how lonely I was. I also realized that a lot of these stories shared one common factor: loneliness.

Loneliness plays a role is many, many mental health issues from depression to autism. Why? Loneliness is how we fall.

How We Fall (personal poem)

It’s half past noon and the world is getting colder
As you try to put your life back in order
Before December ends and it all starts over.
But you know that before you can run you got to learn to walk
And it takes you back to the beginning
To that memory of you and me.
But we lost sight of the things to be in the pain of tomorrow’s history.
It’s getting colder and the world is almost over;
Surprise, surprise maybe we were meant to be but only in paradise.
Or maybe not all
And this is how we fall.

Sometimes I remember him, and I let my human side show. After being broken to pieces then shattered some more, this is all that is left of my heart… Heart dust floating in my chest.

We wake up to another day, another waiting game, it’s a really fun game we play. Sometimes the arena changes but it's still the same. We are all having trouble feeling alone. Erik Erikson theorized that people go through eight psychosocial stages. All of them involve people. Humans are naturally social creatures.

All of our live we wonder if your hearts will ever find a home. We want to hope that somewhere in the universe there is some to fill the emptiness in us. We all feel this emptiness, even if we are in a relationship. The emptiness comes at three in the morning or three in the afternoon.

For me, it’s around six in the morning when I wake up to start my day and I find that he is not by my side. I know when he died a part of me died too. I miss him so much, but I am scared.

“What are you scared of,” I asked.

I am scared of a few things:

1. that I will love someone more than him

2. forgetting him

3. I am scared to death that I will fall in love again and be hurt yet again. I don’t think I could take it.

If you are in a relationship, it is missing the person so deeply it sometimes physically hurts to be away from them. For those not in a relationship, the emptiness makes us wonder if we will ever find someone to stop the hurt. This is especially true for anyone between the ages of nineteen and forty.

According to Erikson, this stage is known as intimacy vs isolation. In this stage, the most important events are love relationships. Intimacy refers to one's ability to relate to another human being on a deep, personal level. An individual who has not developed a sense of identity usually will fear a committed relationship and may retreat into isolation. It is important to mention that having a sexual relationship does not indicate intimacy. People can be sexually intimate without being committed and open with another. True intimacy requires personal commitment.

The real fun part is when you are empty of self. When the relationship between self and person is not there, not only does this cause immense loneliness but it is also dangerous. They say depression kills, addiction kills, and stress kills. Granted these things do kill, but looking at all the factors we see that the loneliness that these illnesses cause is what really kills. Social isolation is a sign and symptom of depression, eating disorder, addiction, post-traumatic stress and much more.

I went to a therapist for a while, got told I was depressed. I agreed with her. She told me to go out and have a fun night, a "me" night. Tell me how can I have a "me" night when he was me?

My friend did not lose a romantic partner. He didn’t lose a boyfriend or husband or a father or brother. My friend lost himself. A few years ago, he rammed his car into a tree going 75 miles per hour, while he was drunk. His intentions were death. Fortunately, for those who love him, he failed.

He was never the same again. He once told a few of us, his friends, that he felt really lonely, but he refused to socialize with us. We would go to lunch or the movies or to an amusement park and he would be locked in his house or come up with some excuse as to why he couldn’t go.

Try as we might we could not get to him. The relationship he had developed with his loneliness and his thoughts was stronger than the relationship he had with other humans. Fast forward two years later, the loneliness and isolation took him to their kingdom. His mother opened the door and found him sleeping forever with a gun in his hand. He was twenty-one.

The loneliness and isolation of his death came for many of his friends and family. Some found personal relationships and broke up with such feelings and others still struggle day in and day out.

I discovered that I was not alone. That’s what helped me; that is what I wish would have helped him. Many people, all humans actually, are waiting. We are waiting to find that special someone; we await the return of someone who has gone even if for a short time. Some of us await ourselves. We wait for the time when we can smile and mean it. When we can look at ourselves and not every inch of our body, soul, and mind.

I sing a lullaby to the lonely hearts tonight. Let my words set your heart on fire and offer hope. When you're fighting to believe in a love that you can't see just know there is a purpose. One day the sadness, the loneliness, the pain you feel right now will turn into something beautiful. One day he will return from overseas safe and will never leave again. One day she will say yes when you ask her to marry you. One day you will wake up and find that you no longer need the razor blade; you no longer need to starve the emptiness away or pump drugs into your system to mask the loneliness.

For those who wait, myself included, let’s open our eyes and know that all we need is time. We’re growing stronger every single day. The wait and pressure are making us stronger. Know that when we finally get what we have been waiting for it will be that much sweeter. We will learn through the sufferings about value. The lessons we learn as we wait for our heart to find a home will be hard, but the lessons will make a difference and the difference makes it worth it.