My eyes were swelling from the teardrops that were continuously falling to the side of my pillow like a waterfall, crying with a force as if the pain was an open scar. The sorrow was transparent, seen through my sappy eyes, damp cheeks, and wet clothes. There I was, sobbing, panting, and talking to myself, releasing the sadness on how much it hurts knowing that someone you love deeply can hurt you so badly. It feels like there is a weight on your chest while someone is trying to punch you and grab you from the inside and tries to tear you apart, you think of how they've left a permanent bruise in your heart.

I don’t want to feel as if I were the victim in the relationship because I know that it takes two to tango like if you knock on someone's door, you can open the door if someone inside can open it. The same as when you open your heart to a new relationship, it takes two people to make the relationship work. I know what I am in, I allow myself to become vulnerable and let my guard down. I sometimes think to myself, “Why did I do that?” Regretting the way I became vulnerable, the way I trust someone and believe that the relationship would work out even though my gut feeling tells me otherwise, the way I open myself, “here is my flesh and bones.” It keeps me going when I remember all the broken promises that we made in the past.

I might cause him anger, and maybe we ought to call it quits sooner, perhaps I ought to follow my intuition… But I didn’t. What I have inside of my mind is the idea of how he and the relationship used to be, and maybe… Just maybe that I could meet that person once again, that made my belly hurt from laughing too hard and my cheeks all rosy red from blushing and the relationship that I always dreamt of. But I know I couldn’t, and I know soon I should’ve left but I didn’t, I compromised. We tried to make it all work just to see at the end, and it hurts the both of us. And I am sorry for that. We made our promises and broke it.

It was the most toxic relationship in my life. We kept abusing, as for me, at the point where I start to question my self-worth. It gives me so much heartbreak, sorrow and lonely nights. I sometimes look up to the moon to give myself hope that I wasn’t the only one at night, it felt like the moon was the only perfect company. I cried endlessly and wished it to end, but I can't stop reminiscing how I lost my best friend. The best friend that I thought would always be there for me when the time in need and would share their life with me. It hurts; it feels like there is a ton of weight on your chest and your eyes can't stop crying.

Sometimes, I even thought of harming myself, because I thought I might forget all the emotional pain if I had a real physical pain. Since it felt like someone cut deep into your heart, there is a slight thought of why can't I just cut my skin so deep that I won't feel too much, too overwhelming of the emotional pain? But at the end, I didn’t do it. I can’t; I love myself enough to take care of it. Thinking that this is all temporary and I am in the phase where I am building myself to be a stronger and better person. I love my body, my skin, my face, the way my body shapes and if I don’t, who will? It is my home.

I even thought of how maybe I should just never fall for someone, or open up to someone. I would build those walls so high that no one can climb it. But I was wrong; I won't let the wound become permanent because it is up to me to make out of it, to make it heal. It is my choice to get stronger or more broken with my experience, and I chose to get stronger. I chose to get stronger because I want to live in the moment, not in the past. I want to feel love again even if I have to feel hurt again. I don’t want to shrivel, but I want to grow, grow, and grow like the flowers blooming in mid-July. It is up to me, not the conditions, it is up to me, because I know I can take the control, and I will.

**I learned that mental health is incredibly and amazingly crucial and since then, please call help if you or if anyone you know needs assistance: suicidal thoughts, self-harm, or any other abusive/toxic relationship issues. Please, please, please, seek help immediately. Because sometimes you just don’t know how serious the situation and loved you are.

Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255.