As a 23 year old young woman, there are so many emotions and thoughts that run through my mind on a daily basis. Technically, I am an adult, a young adult, but an adult nonetheless. I still feel sometimes like I am between the ages of 13 and 17 years old. I feel unsure of who I am or who I am supposed to be. I feel insecure about my body and the way I look sometimes. And this is probably one of my biggest internal struggles that I currently deal with. I do not know what to do with it. I long to be this confident and vibrant early-twenties young woman who is fearless in every aspect of life. But, so far that is just not the case for me.

All my life I have been what many people would call slim or skinny. As a young girl it did not really bother me. I just took it for what it was. But as I have gotten older, it has affected me significantly, and keeps becoming stronger over time. I am at a point right now where I am not comfortable or completely confident with my body and the way it looks. I envy so many people. And some of them are people I know. It is not malicious at all. I just see my small frame sometimes as not attractive and not pretty, and I long for the curvier bodies of people that I admire and know. Even though I have gotten told that I am pretty or cute or beautiful, it does not mean enough sometimes.

I want to feel gorgeous when I put on a dress and not be shamed of the way my thighs or legs look. In my head I'm thinking who wants to see these skinny legs? This is not cute. I feel self conscious, and I feel that people are making fun of me or critiquing the way I look even though most likely they are not. When I wear sleeveless tops I think my arms are too skinny so I am on high alert about that. I catch myself staring at them throughout the day. And don't even get me started on swimsuits-that's a whole different ball game for me.

I have not owned a swimsuit in several years, for the simple fact I do not like showing my mid section along with my legs and arms. As a little girl I had the cutest most girly swimsuits that you could ever imagine. And now I just admire swimsuits. I admire them on mannequins. I admire them on my friends and people I know. I just lack the courage to actually put one on my body and wear it in my public. Last summer I was with one of my best friends at a pool near her brother's house. She wanted to lay out, but I did not have a swimsuit. So I just wore the shorts I had on and she gave me a swim top. I felt so self conscious and not pretty. I laid out with her anyway because she is my friend, and I did not want things to be weird. But inside my head I felt so out of place and miserable. And recently a couple of weeks ago I was at another friend's apartment at her pool. She wanted to lay out as well. She in my opinion has an amazing body. She works out and can wear a swimsuit like it's normal clothing, like it's second nature. Right now it is not in me to do that. She tried to give me a couple of her suits to wear, but I made up an excuse that they didn’t fit. They probably would have. And they probably would have looked pretty good on me. But I could not bring myself to come out of her bathroom in them. So instead I kept on my shorts and tank top.

All I want is to feel comfortable in my body and feel immensely confident in my body as well. I want to go into my favorite stores and not be afraid to buy the crop tops or the cute dresses to show off my legs and arms. I love fashion. It is my major, and I want to embrace it in every way, but I feel like my lack of confidence in myself is holding me back from that. It is not something I want for myself. I am trying to work on loving myself for what I am and who I am and not being shamed of it. A serious work in progress for sure.

"I'm starting to love myself. It's the hardest thing I've ever done."