In the past few weeks, a number of people very close to me have lost someone very close to them. While their deaths have been painful for all of us, they've been especially difficult for the people who loved them most. As these people wrangle with questions about their love and their loss, I’ve been finding myself thinking a lot about whether the people whom I love most 1) know how much I love them, 2) feel like I’m actually there for them at the times and in the ways they want me to be, and 3) can trust that I’ll step forward emotionally when they need me.

I don’t think they do.

I’m trying to figure out ways to communicate those three things (or, in some cases, make them true) for the people whom I love most in the world, but I don’t think there’s one easy answer. I’m starting to realize it’s different for each person.

I frequently communicate my love in ways that are easy and comfortable for me, but not necessarily in the ways that the other person feels most comfortable accepting that love. For example, I call my mom when I have questions I want to ask her because I value her opinion, or when I have updates on my life because I like for her to be a part of things. But how often do I call just to ask about her life? Lots of little things — like simply texting her pictures throughout the day — would mean a lot to her (and I know that because she’s told me), but I just don’t make the effort.

I’m going to start.

I also realize that I’m so “busy” all the time that I often put my friendships on the back burner, even friendships with people who live here in New Orleans. I let work be my excuse for being unavailable, both in-person and emotionally. But the reason I value my work as a teacher is because I believe in it on a very human level — I make meaning in my life through positive interactions with others, interactions that catalyze growth. And the friends I love most are a part of my life because we have those kinds of interactions… but I grade papers or lesson plan instead of being present in their lives in ways that matter.

I’m not going to stop grading papers, but I AM going to stop being an absentee friend. It’s taking some re-organization in my life, but that’s okay. The stuff in the “important” section of my to-do list should be things like spending time with people I love, or calling home, not going to the grocery store.

It's not just that I'm physically absentee, though. Sometimes, when someone I love is going through a hard time, I have an instinct to pull away and get distant. I tell myself that I don’t have the “emotional capacity” to be supportive or to confront the reality of their experience and their emotions. But that’s a load of bullshit. Life is painful and messy. Love is too, whether it’s romantic love of familial love or platonic love or whatever kind of love! That’s okay. Tough experiences are not necessarily bad experiences. That’s where the growth is, and where we discover who we are, both as individuals and as lovers/partners/friends/family, and as part of humanity.

So I’m done pulling away. Because I know that if I keep that distance even with the people whom I love most, I’ll regret it. I already do. But I’m not going to live in those regrets.

I’m going to do my best to show love in ways that feel best to the other person, I’m going to be present in ways that are meaningful to the other person, and I’m going to step forward with a full heart, especially when doing so isn't easy.