Loving And Leaving May Seem Easy For Some, But That Isn't Always The Case

Loving And Leaving May Seem Easy For Some, But That Isn't Always The Case

"If I go back, he might ask me to stay."

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The first chapter of a piece I started last year. Loving and leaving may seem easy for some, but that isn't always the case.

Vicki (2013)

Disappointment became just another pill when it came to you, Seth, and our arguments were just another rerun of the same episode of a T.V. show I was long over watching.

"Goddamnit, Vicki. Seriously? You think you would've learned by now."

"I guess I never realized wanting to stay was something they taught you through your years of adolescence but, if it was, then you're right - I never learned."

Thinking of teaching, be taught, heavy backpacks - it all made me think about the first time I met Seth. From the beginning, we knew there was an end. Or at least, I did. Built on lies and rooms too small for the two of us, someone was bound to walk out - I just didn't think it would take this long. I come with a lot of baggage, but I always keep it packed.

I could turn around - walk back in and tell him I was joking, tell him I could stay, that I loved him, that I didn't know how to live without him, but that's all only partially true. Maybe this is some kind of joke that we will later laugh about when we fall asleep in our too-familiar bed that always felt too small, like the distance between us wasn't enough, like I was caring after someone else's house while they tanned their bronze skin and smelled like coconut and selfishness on an unnamed beach while it took me a little too long to finally fall asleep in a bed my body knows it doesn't belong in.

Or, maybe the laughs come from within our favorite corner coffee-shop after we run into each other and the sight doesn't bring bad memories tied together with pain or forced smiles - Seth's real smile comes with a laugh that always seems to escape his blush tinted lips before he realizes the sound is coming from him. I actually don't know if that's Seth's favorite coffee-shop. I think he preferred tea. He can tell me all about his wife and his new life, and I'll tell him I'm exactly the same.

Or, maybe in a snowed-in Thursday morning when we were trapped inside the house but everything we couldn't stand about each other, when I told him I wanted to dye my hair pink and play the banjo in a bluegrass band because at least it would be different, would be the last time I'd hear those escaped runaway melodies. Those sweet melodies I'd write my first bluegrass song about and strum my banjo along to the sounds I'm starting to forget.

I could stay; I know that, but we both know I wouldn't be staying because it was I who wanted to. I could stay, but I don't think for long, and definitely not forever. Whose life am I trying to live? I do love him, but I think I love everyone. It's hard to tell which love is sticking around for - or maybe I haven't felt that yet, and that's why twenty-eight cities know vaguely of my name and the shape of my hips as they sway while I walk away for the last time.

What scares me is that I don't know how to live without him. The only permanence of our lives that exists together is found within the handprints we once left on a freshly cemented sidewalk outside of that too comfortable, too suburban house we never belonged to together. From creating sidewalk evidence of our once felt love to walking away on the same sidewalk five years ago, every year could be summed up with a memory I shared with Seth.

Seth. Sweet, good-natured, innocent, Seth. I loved everything that I wasn't that I found in you. I wish I could stay to save the hurt we both knew I was bound to cause, but I only want to walk away with love for you, and I don't know if I would start to resent myself, or you, if I stayed, or if I've already started to.

"Tell him that. Go back, and tell him that," the voice in my head echoed. My cheeks were red; I could feel it. My eyes felt heavy and soon, my cheeks would be stained with hot tears I couldn't keep to myself.

"If I go back, he might ask me to stay."

I don't know how many times I can let myself walk out that heavy-with-guilt, always-locked-away door before I finally won't need a key anymore.

Home to me always wanted to be a green door in a city I had yet to find. And when I open MY front door, I don't need anyone else standing behind it. This home was built for one, and these bags were meant to be packed, and I was never meant to learn the same things as you - I was meant for goodbyes, and see-you-laters; I was never meant to walk away - I was meant to run.

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11 Great Books For People Who Don't Like Reading

If you don't like to read, this is the article for you.
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I’ve mentioned it before, and I’ll say it again, I am no reader. My twin sister, on the other hand, is a huge curly-q bookworm.

I always see her flying through novels for pure pleasure. I'll be honest, the sight of it makes me cringe. My body won't stay still after I get through 20 pages (unless I'm hooked). You can consider me the girl who doesn't finish anything (like Professor Calamitous in Jimmy Neutron...I even have the short stature down).

Maybe my dislike of reading stems from teachers force feeding us excruciatingly boring summer assignments.

1984? Straight up diarrhea

Fahrenheit? Vomit vomit vomit.

Animal Farm? Excruciatingly yuck.

The only thing I enjoyed about Animal Farm was laughing at how awful the movie was. On the other hand, give me a young adult novel, and you can count me in. I guess I have Vikas Turakhia to thank for introducing me to J.D Salinger and provoking my drive to become a better writer--after he made me cry and gave me a B- for a report regarding a book about Polenta. High-School was a time... amiright?

Anyway, even though I am not a big reader, there are still a few books that have stuck with me throughout the years. Here is a list of novels I highly recommend to those who associate reading with chores...this time it won't have to be.

1. Looking for Alaska

"Miles Halter is fascinated by famous last words–and tired of his safe life at home. He leaves for boarding school to seek what the dying poet Francois Rabelais called the “Great Perhaps.” Much awaits Miles at Culver Creek, including Alaska Young. Clever, funny, screwed-up, and dead sexy, Alaska will pull Miles into her labyrinth and catapult him into the Great Perhaps." -JohnGreenBooks.com

2. Eleanor and Park

"Two misfits.
One extraordinary love.

Eleanor... Red hair, wrong clothes. Standing behind him until he turns his head. Lying beside him until he wakes up. Making everyone else seem drabber and flatter and never good enough...Eleanor.

Park... He knows she'll love a song before he plays it for her. He laughs at her jokes before she ever gets to the punch line. There's a place on his chest, just below his throat, that makes her want to keep promises...Park.

Set over the course of one school year, this is the story of two star-crossed sixteen-year-olds—smart enough to know that first love almost never lasts, but brave and desperate enough to try." -Goodreads.com

3. City of Thieves

Written by the writer and producer of Game of Thrones... enough said. Another book that I was forced to read thanks to Vikas Turakhia and one I will never put down.

4. Paper Towns

"Quentin Jacobsen has spent a lifetime loving the magnificently adventurous Margo Roth Spiegelman from afar. So when she cracks open a window and climbs back into his life–dressed like a ninja and summoning him for an ingenious campaign of revenge–he follows. After their all-nighter ends and new day breaks, Q arrives at school to discover that Margo, always an enigma, has now become a mystery. But Q soon learns that there are clues–and they’re for him. Urged down a disconnected path, the closer he gets, the less Q sees the girl he thought he knew." -Johngreenbooks.com

5. Franny and Zooey

"FRANNY came out in The New Yorker in 1955 and was swiftly followed, in 1957 by ZOOEY. Both stories are early, critical entries in a narrative series I'm doing about a family of settlers in twentieth-century New York, the Glasses. It is a long-term project, patently an ambiguous one, and there is a real-enough danger, I suppose that sooner or later I'll bog down, perhaps disappear entirely, in my own methods, locations, and mannerisms. On the whole, though, I'm very hopeful. I love working on these Glass stories, I've been waiting for them most of my life, and I think I have fairly decent, monomaniacal plans to finish them with due care and all-available skill." -Salinger

6. The Catcher in the Rye

"The hero-narrator of The Catcher in the Rye is an ancient child of sixteen, a native New Yorker named Holden Caulfield. Through circumstances that tend to preclude adult, secondhand description, he leaves his prep school in Pennsylvania and goes underground in New York City for three days.

The boy himself is at once too simple and too complex for us to make any final comment about him or his story. Perhaps the safest thing we can say about Holden is that he was born in the world not just strongly attracted to beauty but, almost, hopelessly impaled on it.

There are many voices in this novel: children's voices, adult voices, underground voices-but Holden's voice is the most eloquent of all. Transcending his own vernacular, yet remaining marvelously faithful to it, he issues a perfectly articulated cry of mixed pain and pleasure. However, like most lovers and clowns and poets of the higher orders, he keeps most of the pain too, and for, himself. The pleasure he gives away, or sets aside, with all his heart. It is there for the reader who can handle it to keep.

J.D. Salinger's classic novel of teenage angst and rebellion was first published in 1951. The novel was included on Time's 2005 list of the 100 best English-language novels written since 1923. It was named by Modern Library and its readers as one of the 100 best English-language novels of the 20th century. It has been frequently challenged in the court for its liberal use of profanity and portrayal of sexuality and in the 1950's and 60's it was the novel that every teenage boy wants to read." -Goodreads.com

7. The Westing Games

"A bizarre chain of events begins when sixteen unlikely people gather for the reading of Samuel W. Westing's will. And though no one knows why the eccentric, game-loving millionaire has chosen a virtual stranger - and a possible murderer - to inherit his vast fortune, one thing's for sure: Sam Westing may be dead... but that won't stop him from playing one last game!" -Goodreads.com

8. Milk and Honey

"milk and honey is a collection of poetry and prose about survival. It is about the experience of violence, abuse, love, loss, and femininity. It is split into four chapters, and each chapter serves a different purpose, deals with a different pain, heals a different heartache. milk and honey takes readers through a journey of the most bitter moments in life and finds sweetness in them because there is sweetness everywhere if you are just willing to look. " -Goodreads.com

9. Room

"To five-year-old-Jack, Room is the world....

Told in the inventive, funny, and poignant voice of Jack, Room is a celebration of resilience - and a powerful story of a mother and son whose love lets them survive the impossible.

To five-year-old Jack, Room is the entire world. It is where he was born and grew up; it's where he lives with his Ma as they learn and read and eat and sleep and play. At night, his Ma shuts him safely in the wardrobe, where he is meant to be asleep when Old Nick visits.

Room is home to Jack, but to Ma, it is the prison where Old Nick has held her captive for seven years. Through determination, ingenuity, and fierce motherly love, Ma has created a life for Jack. But she knows it's not enough...not for her or for him. She devises a bold escape plan, one that relies on her young son's bravery and a lot of luck. What she does not realize is just how unprepared she is for the plan to actually work.

Told entirely in the language of the energetic, pragmatic five-year-old Jack, Room is a celebration of resilience and the limitless bond between parent and child, a brilliantly executed novel about what it means to journey from one world to another." -Goodreads.com







10. Replica

"Two Girls, Two Stories, One Book"- Goodreads.com

11. Mother, Can You Not?

"In Mother, Can You NOT?, Kate Siegel pays tribute to the woman whose helicopter parenting may make your mom look like Mother Teresa. From embarrassing moments (like her mother’s surprise early morning visit, catching Kate in bed with her crush) to outrageous stories (such as the time she moved cross country to be near Kate’s college) to hilarious mantras (“NO STD TEST, YOU WON’T BE GETTING SEXED!”), Mother, Can you NOT? lovingly lampoons the lengths to which our mothers will go to better our lives (even if it feels like they’re ruining them in the process)." -kateesiegel.com
Cover Image Credit: 123RF

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To The Ex-Best Friend Who Made Everything A Competition, I'm Done Playing Your Game

And I'm doing OK without you.

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Dear Best Friend,

We were inseparable, attached at the hip, and I always thought that you would be in my life for forever. We did everything together: ate the worst food possible, watched the newest crappy Netflix film, cried over the boy that constantly broke our hearts, and laughed at the things that made us seem the most stupid. I loved you like a sister, and I would do anything for you, but everything started to change quickly, and it didn't make sense for me to stay.

As close as we were, things started to become a competition: who could be the happiest? Who could be the best in school? Who could find the "one" first? Even now, I sit and question why we thought that these things were supposed to strengthen our friendship when they only destroyed it. I felt like I had entered a toxic relationship, trapped in the constant annoyance that I felt in your presence, and I hate that I felt this way. But, here's the thing, you were so wrapped up in your own life and making yourself happy that you had totally forgotten that I had a life of my own. I wanted to be successful, too. I wanted to have a shoulder to cry on when I was hurt, too. I wanted to have my best friend on my side, too. But I didn't have the luxury that you did; you were my best friend, but I wasn't yours.

After months of just being there at your disposal, I finally learned what life would be like without having my best friend around, and that really sucked, if I'm being honest. Every time you called, I was there. Every time he broke your heart, I was there. Every time you needed to cry, I was there. I was behind you every step of the way, that even when my day was horrible, I made sure to answer when you called. But, when I needed you, the conversation was spun into your mandala of life, and my problems were thrust outside the lines. I was tired of being taken advantage of.

After all the ignored advice given, I finally gave up. I couldn't sit back and watch you ruin your life over a guy that obviously didn't care about your well-being or our friendship. I watched our friendship turn from something once great, something I couldn't live without, into something toxic and something I wanted no part of.

Because I knew that I had lost you a long time ago, I've spent a lot of time thinking about how I could live a happier life without you in it. I wanted to make sure that the days of being in this crazy competition were over for me, and that I could look back on this last year and know that, no matter what, I was the winner of my own happiness. And I look at you, and I truly feel sorry for you because you've spent so much time trying to give someone else your happiness. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm sorry that this happened. I'm sorry we grew apart. I'm sorry I wasn't able to be the friend that you needed. I'm sorry that I won't be the girl who hides behind one of her friends. I'm sorry that I have my own life, one that I'm proud of.

I'm glad we had laughs that we did. I'm glad we cried together. I'm glad that we have the amazing memories that we do.

You were my best friend, and I'll always be there for you. Just remember why I left.

With love,

Your Ex-Best Friend

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