I am so happy to say I made it through week six. This whole week Satan has been single handedly beating my ass and I am proud to say I am ready to fully give my life over to lord and savior Jesus Christ because all this foolishness... I CAN NOT DO IT

But really guys this week hit home hard. And I would also like to say that the status of loveless in college-attle is back at square root one with me, myself, and I.

I have been tested with adulting this who entire week and I am sick of it. I have also come face to face with the truths about isolation and depression, all things stemmed from Post Relationship PTSD.

I am living alone now which sucks completely. And what's crazy is that you talk about how much you can't wait to live alone and then once it happens it isn't what you want. I think the issue is it's all fun and games to have the option of being alone, then once it's forced upon you it isn't the same. Because of maintenance reasons and crappy school officials, I sort have been forced to live alone.

While being alone I have realized some things:

1) Inner issues I thought I had cleared were not gone

and

2) I need to do some inner soul searching of what it is I need to do to get through this

So let me discuss number one first

In past pieces of mine I discussed issues with dealing with depression. Let me say this clearly. Depression does not ever fully go away. It takes some serious time. Psyching yourself out to think everything is okay does nothing but hurt you in the long run. If you ignore it and ignore red flags you will find yourself three o'clock in the morning crying your eyes out trying to piece together where in life you went wrong.

I had talked to God for the first time. I am not a religious person at all but in this moment I found myself just talking and crying. And in that moment I couldn't stop questioning if someone was listening. I guess I may not ever know that answer either. There were a lot of red flags I have been ignoring to stop myself and sit down and say "Hey something's off here" or "This feeling isn't something odd this isn't just indigestion"

Social anxiety had been just eating me alive. With talking this all out, I as well realized another inner issue I was dealing with. No matter how much I tried to justify myself of saying well technically I have friends and people I do socialize with from time to time that didn't change the fact that I was alone. Just because you are physically in the presence of someone else doesn't mean that you are not alone. That was why I had been feeling this way all this time. I was mentally alone.

I had watched this video that I will hyperlink to see if what was going on was normal. And after coming across this one video I felt a little better. I was glad to kind of dispose of the thought that there may be something going on mentally that i need to talk to a professional about. I had just lost motivation in everything. I was doing work and things because I had to and not because I wanted to. And in the conversation I had with God I questioned

"Why and I really even here? Do I even really want this degree?"

There were so many things I needed to just get off my chest but for the sack of not having a fifty page article I will not discuss fully. In conclusion this talk with God sort of showed me that I needed a hug. I needed someone to just listen and understand me. I needed someone to relate because not being able to talk about this things and smothering them with isolation as the answer was just eating away at my mind.

On that note let's transition to number two.

After realizing this I led me to try and start figuring out what I needed to do to get through this. The problem with this is I have no one who I really want to talk about these things with. Verbally discussing my vulnerability was something I'm not sure I am willing to do yet. But I realized, that person doesn't always have to be physically there in front of you. I've always heard people saying that sometimes just talking too God can really help. I always sort of rolled my eyes at the idea. But after this moment I believe it.

I'm not saying I feel 100% better but I do feel a small pint of relief off my chest. I can feel him all around me and in my thoughts. I don't know how to explain it but it's just something i can feel.

So Week Six lessons are:

Sometimes finding validation in the supernatural and just a place outside of life itself, is not such a crazy thing to try

And you are not expected to be okay all the time. It is okay to feel pain and hurt. It is okay to cry. You are not immortal. You are a human being with feelings who deserves to be able to express those feelings

And most importantly

It is okay to ask for help in any form what's so ever

Do whatever you need to do and go the most beyond limits to make yourself feel okay with life again.