Have you ever been so in love with someone that it keeps you up at night?
Have you ever been so sure that you want this person in your life forever that it scares you?
Have you ever been in love with someone who doesn't feel the same way?
Well I have.
It's hard to talk to the one you're in love with and to know that they care about you, but in the end they do not want the same thing because of their past. It sucks knowing that you would never hurt them. All you want to do is love them, talk to them and let them know you're there for them, but they won't let you in. Or even better, when you do get past one of their doors there is just another wall there waiting for you.
Some people might think "oh girl just move on they don't want you" but the second you try to forget them, they come back with a bigger gesture than before. Every time you think it's over and finally finish wiping your tears away, they come back. They give you their t-shirts and take you out with their friends and family. You find yourself in a never ending loop that your friends are tired of listening to. You don't know what to do or say when he asks you to come to visit him and his family for the weekend, but he can't snap you back.
It's even harder to think that this is not some boy you dated, but someone who was your best friend. The person you went to whenever you had something to tell, good or bad. The person you relied on to make you laugh when you were having a bad day. The person you know how to make smile when they think the world is against them. They're your person that can make anywhere feel like home.
What do you do?
Well I'll tell you what I did. I sat there and thought of my options, cried, overthought, and cried some more. Cried because it was finally time to tell him the words that I'd been holding on to for so long and hoping maybe him hearing them out loud will finally make him tell you what he wants. So I got in my car and went with my plan in my head, every little word planned out like a speech I gave in the fifth grade. But when I finally went to tell him, I froze and was scared that I was about to ruin a perfect moment, so I waited. What if this will be last perfect moment? What if he doesn't want to talk to me anymore because saying and hearing "I love you" scares him more than it scares me? But the time was running out and I owed it to myself.
Watching him leave made me realize I should say it. "You know I'm in love with you and I need to know what you want from me." I walked away feeling like I just said goodbye.
