“We will always love you, we just don’t love each other anymore.”
This year more than 1 million children will hear these exact words or ones similar ones, and my heart aches for every single one of them. My heart aches because I am one of them, and every day I seem to receive some kind of subtle reminder that my family picture isn’t complete. Divorce is complicated and messy, and each one is different.
After 11 years of heart-wrenching experiences that have induced many sleepless nights and tearstained pillowcases, the one relationship that has cast a sunless shadow over my life has been the one that I have with my dad. Each day is different, and sometimes I feel it more than others, but I am always subconsciously aware of the fact that other people have something that I don’t. A few weeks ago, a conversation about fathers came up amongst some of my coworkers and I; we are all different and come from different backgrounds, but in that five minutes, I realized that the pain of not having a father who is active in your life transcends every single stereotype. It doesn’t matter if your household income is $5,000 or $5 million; our heartache is the same.
Most days I find myself coping just fine, but there are sneaky little moments when I’m so overwhelmed by the weight of my weakness that I don’t know what to do. So to all of the girls out there (which I know there are many of us) whose dads choose not to participate in our daily lives, here’s some love, advice and encouragement for you.
1. It's okay to have your moments.
It’s totes okay to be in your feels my love. Our emotions can be highly charged on some days and hit us in huge waves on others. During my freshman year, I found myself silently bawling (insert Kim Kardashian’s ugly cry) in the backseat of my friends car coming back from Chick-fil-A to our dorm, because a girl’s dad was changing her car tire in his suit. I knew that this was something that would probably never ever happen for me, and I was so overcome with my emotion. Instead of being embarrassed, I owned it and let myself feel everything completely. To this day, it is still hard for me think about but I try to be positive and hope that one day I’ll have a daughter whose daddy would willingly do that and anything else in the world for her. Crying, feeling frustrated, defeated, sad, guilty, etc. doesn’t make you weak. Being vulnerable is hard, but when you embrace your emotions and share them with others, they lean in, and often you’ll find yourself feeling better.
2. Just because your parents didn't get it right doesn't mean that you won't.
It can be hard to think that you won’t fail at marriage or parenting because the only relationship that you know isn’t healthy, but your parents’ mistakes and downfalls don’t define your future. The people closest to me know that my biggest fear in life is having an unhealthy marriage and having kids that will be a product of divorce; I don’t want to have children who will experience the kind of pain that I’ve felt growing up by not having my parents together. If you’re intentional and set a standard for the kind of relationship that you desire, then the right person will respect it. Thinking about the future and what you don't want is great, but don’t count yourself out of possible happiness because you’re afraid of what may happen.
3. Your scars tell your story.
Your parents’ divorce isn’t what you are, it’s a part of who you are. Homegirl, if you’re reading this in 2015 the divorce rate is 50 percent. You’re not alone, half the dang country is swimming in the same sea that you’re in. Divorce affects everyone in a different manner, and for a lot of people, it is painful and shapes who they are. When you share your story and your pain with others, it propels you into your purpose. We are not called to live this life alone; you never know who you can impact. One girl who I think has the one of the sweetest hearts and the kindest souls, and who I would have never guessed was so deeply wounded by her the actions of her father, bore her scars and shared her story with me in less than five minutes. Those five minutes changed my perspective on what a victim of divorce looks like, and for that I will be forever grateful.
4. You deserve the right kind of love.
True love starts on the inside. When you are treated less than ideally by the man who, by nature, is supposed to nurture, protect, and guide you throughout your life, it becomes extremely easy to pick yourself apart. Feelings of unworthiness, unhappiness, shame, and words of self-depreciation seem to slide out easily when we’re feeling unloved. Some of us seek out these feelings that we lack through the company of guys, a specific group of friends, or by partying, for example, but at the end of the day, we still find ourselves being empty. Seek to love yourself first. Don’t waste your time expecting for someone else or something else to fill the void that you feel for you, because news- fah-lash, it ain’t happening, honeybun. Seek Jesus. Seek companionship of others who are in the same boat. Seek to follow your heart. Seek the things that make your soul shine.
Your experiences shape who you are and all that you are becoming. Divorce doesn’t define you; it doesn’t dictate your future. Don’t let it steal your joy.
