"I'm so in love with her," the caption read. It was a picture posted by a girl's boyfriend of them at dinner together. Her boyfriend posted this caption while she was smiling for the picture while holding up a piece of sushi with her chopsticks. I used to be friends with both of these people. But we drifted apart. As I replayed that snapchat over and over again I couldn't help but wonder why my boyfriend would never be able to say those words. He would never be able to let the world, his friends especially, know that he loved me. He would never be able to actually admit that he was in love with me. But then again, maybe he wasn't in love with me, he just loved me. There is a difference. 

The girl in that picture has this boyfriend who loves her, as a matter of fact he's in love with her. He is constantly showing her off to the world, so proud to be her boyfriend. Why does she get to have someone be madly in love with her? This is the same girl who cheated on this boy, with his best friend, left him a depressed mess for almost a year, and then went back to him. So why does she get to have this amazing relationship knowing that she broke his heart and broke his trust, but i've never done a single thing to hurt my boyfriend.

My boyfriend has hurt me before. Lying, keeping things from me, deleting messages, choosing other people over me, etc. But yet i'm still madly in love with him. I would do anything for him. I would sacrifice my own needs and wants just to keep him in my life. I would be willing to change, but he wouldn't. All I've ever done is help him, put his needs first, never lied, never cheated, never hid anything, but yet I don't get this feeling of someone being madly in love with me or being so proud to be with me that he wants to tell the world every chance he gets. 

I cry probably every single day. I’m actually crying writing this right now. He doesn’t care if I cry. My tears mean nothing. No matter how loud or for how long I cry, I dont get a word. He doesn’t ask me what’s wrong, he doesn’t try to say he’s sorry. I wait and I wait until I can’t take it anymore. I know he’ll never say anything so I say it. I tell him the reason that I’m crying and why I’m upset, and then I tell him that im upset because he doesn’t care about why i’m crying. He gets mad at me, tries to blame me for being too emotional or overthinking things. He never reassures me. I start crying again because of the coldness and bitterness that comes out of his voice. Instead of him trying to console or reassure me, he goes to sleep. He doesn’t care about losing me. He doesn’t care if this fight is serious and I’m seriously hurt and might leave him. I annoy him by crying. I annoy him by always bringing up the same things. I would be doing him a favor if I left. Instead of him being afraid to lose me, i’m the one who’s afraid. I’m afraid that since he’s annoyed and thinks i’m always being emotional, that he’ll be the one to break up with me. Maybe it’s all my fault. 

I’ve always been madly in love. No matter what i’ve ever felt or how hurt i’ve been the one thing i’ve always known is that I’m in love with him. I’ve been in love with him while we were still best friends. When we would do everything together and talk about anything together. We were always happy being together. The day our “relationship” started I remember feeling so happy because I had finally got to kiss him, be in his arms, and have the feeling that maybe he loved me back. When he told me he loved me for the first time I couldn’t believe it. I didn’t believe that someone could ever love me, let alone the person that I loved. The boy that I loved, loved me back. I thought we were always going to be happy. Just as happy as we were when we were best friends. When we were best friends he would post pictures and videos of me, so why did he stop? When we were best friends we would always find adventures, so why did that stop? I’ve held on to one fantasy for this entire relationship. The day he told me that he dreamt of us, with two kids, in our future home. I imagined how our home would like and what our kids would look like. I rememeber knowing that we were so happy. I’ve never wanted to let that go. Every time we break up, or i’m about to lose him, I think of our future home and future kids. I’ve been super in love him with for so long. I‘m so afraid to lose him. 

I've been hurt so many times by this boy, by things he's done, and by things he doesn't do. I want to be shown off no matter what I look like. I always post pictures of him because I love that he is mine. I want to be kissed in public just because he feels like kissing me. I always want to kiss him, no matter where we are, and I don't care who's watching. I want him to tell his friends and family that he loves me, and for him not to be ashamed to admit it. I want him to want to talk to me all day, everyday, about everything. Most of the times it's me getting mad on the phone because he will say one word answers, or mumble the whole time. I want him to care about my feelings, no matter how big or how small the fight is. I want him to tell me I’m beautiful or pretty more often, I never feel confident in myself or what I’m wearing because I never hear him say that I’m beautiful. I want him to take pictures of me without me having to ask. I want for him to plan dates and want to put effort into our relationship. I want to feel like he's madly in love with me. But maybe the reason that he doesn't do these things, no matter how many times I ask, is because he isn't madly in love with me.