Ah, high school. Pep rallies, homecoming dances, and easy classes where simply showing up guaranteed a decent grade. High school was easy. My parents still packed a lunch for me AND gave me snack money. I actually had friends in my classes who would help me with my homework. Guaranteed, I’m sure once I become a full-fledged adult, I’ll think college was a breeze.

But high school was different. High school was filled with everyone’s firsts; first prom, first time driving a car, and first love.

For a reason I still can’t explain, love and the concept of it seemed easier in high school than it does now despite the fact that my most volatile romantic relationships took place in high school. Maybe it was my naïve heart or my enthusiastic spirit that made falling in love and being in love in high school so easy.

In high school, we’re filled with excitement. I remember the flushed face I had when I first received a bouquet of my favorite flowers, gerbera daisies. How did he remember? Did I tell him that these were my favorite?

My hands still clam up at the thought of walking out my front door only to see him, my first love, picking me up for our very first date. I distinctly remember my stomach churning when I told my mom about my first love. I remember a wave of relief when she said that he could come over for dinner later that night.

Although my feelings have long past for my first love, I still look at the overall experience of being in love for the very first time with so much nostalgia. I’m elated to have been in love and proud to say that I was able to experience love at such a young age.

However, I oftentimes also question if my first love actually RUINED loved for me. Because I know how exciting and thrilling young love can be, but because of my first love, I know how erratic and turbulent love can be.

I know how easy it is to go from “endlessly” loving someone one day and making promises of the future to not even being able to think about tomorrow with that same person. I know how quickly feelings can change. I know how much that can break someone. Because I’ve been through it.

Maybe it could be because I haven’t met the right one, or like I always say in my articles, maybe I’m just not READY for the right one. But when the right one comes along, will I feel the same butterflies I once felt? Will I be so enraptured when he comes knocking on my door to pick me up for our first date? Will the feeling of being in love be as exciting and as new as it once was?

I feel as though love now, to me, are treacherous waters. As young adults who’ve already experienced our very first young love, I’ve found it incredibly common for us to be so cautious when it comes to commitment. A popular claim to our vigilance is that we’re just “not ready,” but it’s important to question whether our vision of love is distorted because of our FIRST love.

Have we been so hurt and so damaged that we don’t know if love is worth it all? Are we willing to give up the idea of love so that we can protect ourselves from the possible pain it may cause us?

Did our first love RUIN love for us?

Maybe the hurt was just too unbearable to even risk going through it once again. But maybe, we haven’t met the right one who’ll make the risk worth it.

Maybe our first love will be different from our next love.

Maybe we’ll greet our next love with even more excitement when they coming knocking on our door for our very first date.

Maybe we’ll feel bigger and better butterflies one day.

Maybe our next love will transform our idea of love and make it feel new and exciting again.

Maybe, just maybe, our next love will be much greater than our first love.