A pat on the back congratulates a killer home run. A hug says “I missed you.” A firm grasp on the nape of your neck means that you just made someone really proud. A slow, gentle back rub is used to soften the blow of some life-altering news. These gestures of physical affection (speaking at least for most of the Western world) are understood by many to be normal, even expected displays of affection. There are clear and set moments when they are appropriate, and moments where they are not. But have you ever stopped to think about the people for whom this language may not be entirely universal?

Oftentimes, in evangelical culture especially, we hear a lot about the different kinds of love languages. The most common forms of receiving and showing affection can be placed into five main categories: acts of service, words of affirmation, gifts, quality time, and, you guessed it, physical touch. Although it is difficult to identify which of these “languages” you tend to give and receive best, some have become more socially acceptable forms of affection to display than others, most commonly in the case of physical touch. It is one of the easiest forms of affection out of the five for the very reason that it requires nothing but yourself to offer. And to be fair, we were created to be social beings, thriving off of the tangible presence of one another, often fulfilled by the actual embrace of another human being. Because of this, it is easy for those of us who do not find an embrace to offer comfort the way that so many do to come across as if we are not at all interested in a world where people show each other love. For some of us, a touch, no matter how pure the intention behind it may be, sends shivers down our spines rather than warm, cozy vibes.

Here are just a few things we want you to know:

1. We aren’t incapable of loving, we are not averse to the idea of love, and we certainly do not hate you. Even if we push you away.
2. We know that the average person really does mean well when they extend themselves to us and for the most part, we appreciate the heart behind the gesture. Just not the gesture itself.
3. We feel bad sometimes because we know you don’t understand why we reacted that way when all you wanted to do was to show us that you are there in a way that seemed to be the most easily understood. Sometimes we don’t understand why we react the way we do either.
4. We do not owe you an explanation because some of us honestly do not have one. Physical touch makes us uncomfortable the same way that the word "moist" probably makes you want to crawl into the nearest black hole.
5. We haven’t all been burned by human contact, but some of us have. For those of us who identify with this aspect of the struggle, it’s difficult to separate the memories of the positive impact one person’s body had on ours from the unforgettable collisions that left deep scars. Please understand the painful reminders you may be setting off when you insist on bear hugging a person whose body has not always been a safe place.
6. We get embarrassed when you make a huge deal out of us inviting you into our sacred space. If we ask for a cuddle and you respond with all kinds of volume and disbelief and the kind of teasing that attacks this beautiful moment of vulnerability, it’s possible that we will not be doing that again. Like ever.
7. We might be some of the coolest conversationalists you may ever encounter because we have spent a good bit of time observing from a distance where we feel like we can.
8. We want to know what love language you feel most validated conversing in because misunderstanding is something we know a lot about.
9. We need you to be patient with us because there may be a few moments where we randomly decide that a hug is the only thing that we need. And we get it. It’s kind of frustrating to deal with a human time bomb, a hug at the wrong nanosecond could fire off a huge ordeal and you don’t want to risk it. But we get really excited when you do.