I am lost. I left high school with a view of myself that deep down i knew would never come true. It was one that i dreamed of as a kid. Rich, fit, nice car, great job, an amazing girl by my side. The only problem with that dream, is just that, it was a dream. At that time in my life i was still a kid. There was a plan that i had set for myself, a plan that instead of pursuing, i sat back and watched it wither away. I denied countless times that it didn't hurt or bother me that i did that to myself. The truth of the matter is, it was probably the most painful thing i have ever done.

Now don't get me wrong, my life is amazing. I will be the first person to say i have no regrets about what i have done and what i will do in my future. I may not be the person to think about every detail when i do something. Being spontaneous is who i am. If it weren't for that part of me, i would have missed out on all the opportunities that i have sitting in front of me right now.

You might be thinking, if i have all these great opportunities, why am i lost? It is because i have no purpose anymore. I have no reason to pursue anyone of my opportunities. When i was in high school, i watched all my friends date and find a girl to see for a summer and then forget as soon as the summer was over. I watched them get hurt and cry, laugh, and even just leave, all because of someone else that they grew attached too in a few months. I knew i was young, but i also knew that love at that age, wasn't worth it for me.

It wasn't until junior year that i decided to break the ice and put myself out there. I started just talking to girls around the small town i was in. Never anything serious or even coming close to joining in the dating life. It was just me getting a taste for what it was like to flirt and learn about someone. I was more interested in seeing how many people i can learn about and get to know, rather then trying to find the one for me. I still didn't see the worth in a relationship at that time.

Senior year comes and i finally break. I official had my first relationship. There is no easy way of getting into the dating world other then just doing it. I'll admit that it wasn't really anything that i would even come close to calling a relationship. More or less just really close friends keeping each other company in the halls, but none the less, it happened and i was sucked in. I had my first taste of those crazy feelings. The ones that make you feel like you can't be touched or brought down. It was amazing and that is all i wanted to feel.

I am sad to say that my first ended just as fast as it started. All i could think about was who i wanted to feel that with next. It was the start of a hunger that i could never really satisfy. I started finding people all over the place to get to know. There was a time where i wasn't able to put my phone down because of how many people i was talking to. I was happy, and i discovered a new thing that i loved. I always spoke out with confidence and i never deviated from someones eyes when i was talking to them. I was never shy or afraid to talk to someone new. I enjoyed hearing about everybody's day and seeing how different other people lived compared to me. It was an experience that i wish i could get back and make last forever. The only problem with having something last forever, is nothing truly lasts forever. Not on this earth anyway.

There was one girl in particular who caught my attention one day. I met her thru a friend at an event, she was very shy, but still able to tell me that she thought i was cute at the time. I was busy with what was going on at the time so i never really saw or interacted with her directly. I only got her number. It was a few days after the event that i finally remembered that she was in my phone, so i did what I loved doing, I got to know her. The more i did, the more i wanted to know more. She was like a new dose of this feeling that i was getting, she was stronger and bolder then all the rest. More direct and honest, yet still shy enough to leave me to push for an answer to a question. I loved it, and it ruined me.

She was my second relationship that i ever officially had. A lot of people would say we moved to fast, that we should have steadied our selves and been patient getting to know each other. That wasn't me tho, when i found something i wanted, i never stopped until i got it. I was determined more then ever to learn everything i can about this girl, no matter the cost. She was something that no one could come close to being. More perfect then a still lake in the morning, with the fog floating off into the reflection of a raising sun. I had it in my head that she would be the one for me, my everything, my forever. I was in love with this girl before i knew who she really even was.

Her and i were inseparable. We went and did everything together. It didn't matter to us where we were, or how much money we had. Neither of us wanted anything else except each other. It was our greatest strength, but also our biggest weakness. When we weren't together, no one was happy. It brought problems and fears in between us that we pushed aside in order to hold onto that happiness that we had. Those problems eventually became more then either of us could handle and we broke not only ourselves, but each other. We grew apart and lost all feelings we ever used to have.

We moved on, however painful it was to do, we did it. She was younger then me by a couple years so she moved on in a few weeks. She had her friends and school to distract her from thinking about anything that could have saved us. I was alone. I knew i had friends and family trying to help me in every way they could, but i did what i was used to doing for so long. I pushed my feelings aside, until they became to much for even me to handle.

I lost who i was, who i could have been, and who i should be, all in a single day. What i gained, i still have no idea. I ask myself everyday if i am ready to move on, but the truth of the matter is i can't. I am afraid that i will repeat my same mistakes and have the same misfortune repeat itself. I want to be the same person i was before i lost myself. I want to be able to look into someones eyes and feel that crazy feeling again, but at the same time, i can't do that to myself. Because i know i won't be able to hold on any tighter then i did before.